Things I’ll never understand about men

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Even after nearly 12 years of dating, there are still things about men that I fear I will never understand.

Why do they put empty containers back in the fridge?

Why do they think women are horrible drivers – when was the last time they drove while applying mascara?

Why do they think we know where [insert any product of theirs here] is?

So I picked some of the most perplexing questions and asked my boyfriend Awesome to help me out. Below are my observations and his responses for your pleasure.

They pretty much refuse to change the toilet paper roll. Yet they will go into the hall closet, get out a fresh roll, and place it right next to or on top of the empty TP roll. Not only does my boyfriend do this at home, but my colleagues do it in our office. I mean, really? Is it so much extra effort to take the little spring thingy out of the holder and put the roll on there?

Awesome’s response:  “I think it’s more accessible off the roll actually.”

When they take off an article of clothing, the item lays in the exact spot where they took it off, even if they are close to a closet, dresser, or other clothing deposit. If I don’t know where my boyfriend is when I come home, I just follow the trail of clothing and sure enough, at the end of it will be Awesome playing a video game in boxers. Once I even found a pair of dirty pants literally three inches from the hamper. When I asked him why he didn’t place it into the hamper, he just kind of smiled and shrugged. Then my head exploded. Well, not really but if you have a vagina you know what I am talking about.

Awesome’s response: “Actually, it’s because I want to wear it again at a later date or the next day.”

They refuse to get rid of a POS car because of sentimental value. Awesome currently drives a 1986 Toyota MR2. It is horrible. It smells, it’s dirty, the paint is faded, it sounds like someone dumped a bucket of nails into the engine, it’s impractical – it’s basically a death trap on wheels. For whatever reason, he flat out refuses to get another car, even though this one has ended up costing more money than if we would have just bought a used car.

Awesome’s response: “….but I love that car…”

They won’t notice if you cut a foot off of your hair but if you miss an eyebrow wax they act like you have turned into Sasquatch overnight. This has happened to me with several men, beginning with my high school boyfriend. I used to have hair so long I could sit on it, then one day on a whim I cut it to my shoulders. He came over for dinner and would have left without noticing it except that I was boiling mad and yelled at him for being stupid. One of my friends dated a guy who kissed her one night, then said, “I think it’s time to wax that mustache, don’t you think?” Meanwhile she had dyed her hair from blonde to dark brown and he didn’t blink an eye.

Awesome’s response: “Well, there is always hair on your head but once you start waxing it off your lips and eyebrows we notice when it’s there again.”

Going to the bathroom is a marathon event that must be discussed as many times as possible. I work in an office with four sales guys. I’m the only female, so I am privy to a lot of conversations between the men. These topics range from their families to sports to politics, but one topic comes up again and again – poops. Jokes about pooping, retelling of epic poops, if it’s about poop, they will bring it up.

Awesome’s response: “I don’t talk about poop. I just tell you when I have to go.”


One thought on “Things I’ll never understand about men

  • Tim Forkes
    November 2, 2013 at 8:11 AM

    Awesome seems reasonable to me.

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