Let’s be honest: I’m too pretty to need online dating. Ok … maybe that’s a little vain, but I’ve never claimed to be without faults.
When my super hot girlfriend told me she’s been using the Tinder Dating App I laughed at her. But, she said she’s been meeting really nice guys that have the same interests she does and she goes on several dates a week searching for her one true love. She also gets free dinner almost every time, so it suddenly seemed like a great idea.
I was running out of options to find Prince Awesome anyway. Online dating seemed better than looking for lust at an A.A. meeting (although several of my girlfriends swear by those places). And I’ve seen all those online dating TV commercials with the couple kissing by the ocean after a long walk on the beach, so it could work.
After installing the free app in my iPhone I was prompted to either create my profile or import it from Facebook. I’m lazy so I chose to import it. Laying in bed eating ice cream in my pajamas and searching for boys in bulk is what dating has become for me. I could get used to this! I may never leave my house or wear real clothes again.
There were gobs of guys to choose from. The app tells me geographically how close they are to me, shows me a few photos of the guys, a short bio, what they’re interested in and if we have any Facebook friends in common.
My job was to stamp their face with a “Nope” or a “Like” and hope for a match.
It’s an automatic “Nope” if they use a photo of themselves with a girl or Richard Simmons, if their bio says anything about hooking up, if they use improper grammar in their bio, if they have a topless photo, if they have a beer in every photo, or if the photos look like they were taken 10 years ago.
If they live more than eight miles away it’s likely they’ll get a “Nope” since my car is usually broken down and I hate traffic.
It’s a “Like” if they’re super hot in at least two photos.
Three hours and a tub of ice cream later I had 42 matches! That means we both clicked “Like” — my one true love could be somewhere in this massive list of macho men.
As soon as we were “matched” the messages started rolling in. First order of business was to pick out the “red flag” guys and toss them out of the ring.
1. Marriage proposal? Red flag: Co-dependent with mommy issues.
2. Asking for a Facebook request? Red flag: Total stalker with trust issues.
3. A long boring message with run-on sentences? Red flag: Uninspired sex life.
4. Some conversations are just destined to fail. This is my personal favorite:
“STEVE”: Be honest: did you get presents in your stocking or coal? (Using proper grammar deserves a response from me.)
ME: Haha! No presents this year – I’m single… What about you? (Just wanted to throw it out there that I’m the type of girl that expects presents when I’m not single.)
STEVE: Um, I think you’re confusing Christmas and Valentine’s Day. I’m Jewish, so no presents for me. (Really? Jewish people don’t get presents? This probably isn’t going to work out.)
ME: I didn’t know you were Jewish. (Stating the obvious helps when you’ve got nothing else to say.)
STEVE: You’d make a realllllly bad Nazi. (Um… yeah. Kind of an awkward joke, but I’m sure I can top it.)
ME: If you wore a big yellow star it would help…. (Probably not funny.)
STEVE: No matter how well we end up getting along, I am never, ever, “taking a shower” with you. (I nearly pissed myself laughing so I hope he was trying to be funny rather than serious.)
Not wanting to completely blunder online dating, I was able to find two guys that seemed normal enough to meet outside of my iPhone. It made sense to schedule them both for a date on the same night so I only had to pick out one outfit and if I didn’t like them I wouldn’t have to waste two nights worth of make up.
I think I’m starting to get good at this online dating thing. The hard work is done and all I have to do is show up and wow them!
At the age of 36, Jaimie has gone on one adventure after another. Getting an idea in her head she isn’t afraid to jump into action… Usually with no planning and never considering the consequences. At 17 she left her small Iowa town to follow the band Phish and live in her car, she spent time protesting logging in Oregon, got arrested for organizing a topless march in Ohio, received a Bachelor’s degree in photography, spent a month camping in the forest at a rainbow gathering, received a Master’s degree in Music Management, managed some rock bands, modeled for Playboy, slept with a rock & roll legend a few times (hey, you would too), sold real estate in Los Angeles, bought a condo in Las Vegas and lost it to the bank when the market crashed, built her house in the Hollywood Hills in a bikini after the contractor she hired stole her money, took classes to become a magician, wrote articles and columns published in several magazines and websites, ran a production company, produced commercials with huge stars like John Stamos and Betty White and currently owns a casting company. And now she’s taking her readers with her on her next adventure: Mancation.