Moving Pictures: 25 Ways to save the Western

The Western is one of America’s greatest cultural icons. Now Disney’s frightful and ludicrous “The Lone Ranger” has put it back on the endangered species list. Also, a couple more quarter billion dollar washouts like “John Carter” and “The Lone Ranger” and even the Marvel superheroes franchise and endless reruns of “The Suite Life on Deck” won’t be enough to save Uncle Walt’s Empire.

Yet recent times have seen more stand-out Western hits in the movies and TV than we’ve had in the last 40 years. Just think “Hatfields & McCoys”, “Justified” and “Longmire.” Even “Breaking Bad” is a modern Western and dark morality play. 60 years ago Jimmy Stewart would have been Walter White (just watch “Winchester 73”) and Henry Fonda would have been Hank. And on the big screen, just look at “3:10 to Tulsa”, “Django Unchained” and “True Grit.”

So: Memo to Disney (who surely need it).

1) Keep the budget low.

2) Make it contemporary. (Works for “Breaking Bad,” “Justified” and “Longmire.”)

3) If adapted, remain true to the original source.

4) Do not include drunken horse fart jokes (especially if you’re Disney)

5) Do not use CGI – ever.

6) Make sure you include Kevin Costner – prominently. Bill Paxton would be good too.

7) Make sure the hero wears a white Stetson (“Vegas”, “Justified”, “Longmire”)

8) Give the great British actor Tom Wilkinson a break from playing typecast villains (“The Lone Ranger”, “Batman Begins”, “Green Hornet” – sort of).

9) Make sure you include Timothy Olyphant as a major hero. Christian Slater would be good too.

10) Keep it serious and dignified.

11) No ridiculous birds in the heads of any Native Americans – please. Johnny Depp’s Tonto was truly demeaning to the Native American peoples. Jay Silverheels’ Tonto never was.

12) Watch any low-cost recycled episode of “The Rifleman”, or “Gunsmoke”, or the more upscale “The Virginian” on Memorable Entertainment Television any weekday afternoon. The stories had human emotion, heart and drive. They were never childish or ridiculous.

13) Deconstruction is old hat — and anyway it’s French. It’s time to construct some new Westerns.

14) Cast as many Australians as you can — They’re the closest you’ll get today to the Spirit of the Old West – or of 1950s Hollywood. Think Russell Crowe and Chris Hemsworth.

15) Give it a tragic, elegiac tone. John Ford’s “The Searchers” was one of the greatest movies of all time. Not just one of the greatest Westerns – One of the greatest movies.

16) STOP making Westerns ridiculous.

17) STOP making Westerns for frat-boys. NEVER mix frat boy humor and Westerns. NEVER let Adam Sandler or Kevin James anywhere near a Western.

18) Respect the history. Tonto was never a Comanche in the original radio and TV “Lone Ranger” series. John Ford got the terrible Comanche-settler war in Texas right in “The Searchers” where he clearly portrayed the horrific massacres and atrocities of both sides. No honorable Comanche ever dressed up as ridiculously as Johnny Depp’s Tonto.

19) Let Russell Crowe make as many Westerns as he wants. He gets it right.

20) Do NOT mix in Sci-Fi, UFOs and aliens – EVER. Have “Cowboys and Aliens,” “John Carter” and “The Lone Ranger” taught you nothing?

21) Make sure the titled hero really is the hero — and not the drunken, naive, hapless sidekick to his Politically Correct Asian, Native American Indian or whatever junior sidekick. It’s fine, excellent to have Native Americans, African Americans, Asians and Hispanics as the real heroes. Jamie Foxx was superb in “Django Unchained.” But NEVER let ANY sidekick over-shadow the hero. Look what happened to Seth Rogan in “The Green Hornet.”

22) PLEASE do not include Jeff Bridges. He’s a great guy but he’s done that shtick to death.

23) No more computer-generated killer rabbits – EVER.

24) NEVER let ANY director who hasn’t made a live action feature before make a Western. NEVER let ANY CGI wizard near a Western. Put Andrew Stanton and Gore Verbinski back on the fun CGI stuff where their great talents genuinely belong.

25) LOTS of dust. Remember, Westerns have to be real.