Craigslist isn’t the best for finding Captain Perfect

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I’m still hoping John Cusack could be my Prince Charming, so I decided to give him another chance. I like to think the only reason he doesn’t respond to my tweets is because he hasn’t had a chance to read them all. But how can I grab the attention of such an enigma?

Then it hit me! Where do I go whenever I need to find something that I can’t find anywhere else? Craigslist! I’m sure someone looking through the Craigslist personals is friends with John Cusack and will let him know that I’m single and ready to mingle, so I posted an ad in the “Missed Connections” section.

Photo by Jaimie Beebe
Photo by Jaimie Beebe

I’ve never actually met John Cusack… but I think we should date.  If anyone knows him, send him my letter…
Dear John Cusack,
My mom thinks we’d be a great couple so I put our photos side-by-side and she seems to be right. (See attached photo).  After looking at the aforementioned photo I’m sure you find it hard to believe that I’m still single, but indeed I am.  Because we don’t know each other, I want to share with you some reasons that we should go on a date:

  1. 1.   My mom likes you.
  2. 2.   We both love Fishbone.
  3. 3.   We both have a tendency to stand in the rain while people take pictures of us.
  4. 4.   One of my favorite movies is “Dirty Dancing”, and I’m sure you like it too.  Who wouldn’t?
  5. 5.   We both live in Los Angeles and are on Twitter.


Within minutes I felt my inbox vibrate. Unfortunately, there were more than a few haters in the bunch … not everyone supports a girl lost at sea waiting for Captain Perfect. And shockingly, not everyone likes John Cusack as much as I do.

Photo by Jaimie Beebe
Photo by Jaimie Beebe

But, it did give me another great idea: maybe I could land a boyfriend from Craigslist! You can’t get what you want unless you ask, so I compiled a short list (don’t want to be too picky) of what I look for in a guy and sent it out to the Craigslist Universe.

Photo by Jaimie Beebe
Photo by Jaimie Beebe

“I’ve been perusing Tinder but just not finding what I want! I’m looking for a hottie with a body – if ya know what I mean!

  1. 1.   LOTS of tattoos – yummy!
  2. 2.   LOTS of money – to keep me happy!
  3. 3.   No kids or ex wife drama …
  4. 4.   Please have muscles in your stomach – no beer bellies!
  5. 5.   Proper grammar is a must – no dummies please!
  6. 6.   NO actors or has-been child actors.

Send me your photo ASAP cuz I’m getting older by the minute & don’t want to waste my time emailing you back if you aren’t hot enough.

Photo by Jaimie Beebe
Photo by Jaimie Beebe

I know there have been a few “Craigslist Killers”, but in doing thorough research I found that most of the Craigslist-related murders seemed to be robberies gone wrong. I can see how it’s a great place for creepers to hang out because it’s free to use and mostly anonymous. Luckily, I’m getting better at spotting red flags so I should be just fine.  #sorrymom

Photo by Jaimie Beebe
Photo by Jaimie Beebe

But my wedding fantasies faded as I read the bitter, hateful emails pumping through my inbox. Craigslist is full of haters with really bad grammar! Perhaps it was something I wrote?

Photo by Jaimie Beebe
Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Sometimes it’s all about initiative, so I began reading through ads posted by men seeking women. Who knew there was that many people with foot fetishes looking for a hot chick to smoke marijuana with? Really, Craigslist?!?

Photos by Jaimie Beebe
Photos by Jaimie Beebe

End result? Craigslist is a dead end road for dates.

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