Big difference between PDA and TMI

I have a friend who is sort of a ladies’ man slash heartbreaker slash serial dater. Not in a bad way, mind you, he just hasn’t set his eyes upon the right girl yet.

So instead of moping around waiting for Ms. Right to come waltzing through his living room, he dates around. When he senses the relationship not going the right way, he moves on. No cheating, no sneaking around, no muss and when he’s lucky, no fuss either.

But as much as I love this friend of mine, he has a little problem. And by “little” I mean big. The problem being his embarrassing acts of PDA. For those who have been living in a cave for the past 50 years, PDA stands for Public Displays of Affection, which is different than TMI or Too Much Information. Big difference.

Can I use it in a sentence, you may ask? Why yes of course I can.

“Ugh I am so not into PDA with my boyfriend.”

If you’ve been reading my blog for the past seven months or if you know me personally, then you know that I am not big on PDA, but that’s not to say that Awesome and I don’t have moments of it on occasion. If we go to the movies, we hold hands. If we eat dinner on the same side of the booth (which is only okay when you are eating with other people, by the way), he will put a hand on my leg. And of course if the O’s score, we might sneak in a kiss or two.

However, some couples lack the restraint that Awesome and I employ when in public. Hell, some couples just go all out balls to the walls PDA anywhere, anytime, they just don’t give a what. I am all for the snuggles but keep it on the couch people! My friend, who we can just call Master PDA for now, is in a constant state of touchy-feely with whomever his current GF is at the time. And forget about it if he is drinking – he just completely forgets he isn’t in his bedroom.

I am armed with beer - just saying.
I am armed with beer – just saying.

I just want to take this opportunity to give everyone some PDA do’s and don’t’s. Hopefully Master PDA will read this and think, “Gee, maybe I should get a hold of myself before Emily has to get out the fire hose.”

PDA Do: Holding your partner’s hand.

PDA Don’t: Holding your partner’s private parts.

PDA Do: Closed-mouth kiss.

PDA Don’t: Any kind of open mouth slobbery gross kiss. Exception to this rule – if you are getting married. Addendum to exception – must have “church tongue.” See “The Wedding Singer” if you are confused.

PDA Do: Dancing appropriately – examples of this: polka, square, line, any dance moves from the 80s.

PDA Don’t: Lap dances, gyrations, grinding. If your dance moves look like you are having sex with your clothes on, cease and desist. I have been witness to this too many times. I will throw a drink on you, I don’t even care if there is no glass allowed on the dance floor.

PDA Do: Telling your partner you think they look nice.

PDA Don’t: Telling your partner what you want to do to them when you get home in graphic detail, loud enough for me to hear it and want to throw up in my beer glass.

PDA Do: Playing “footsie” under a table where no one else can see you.

PDA Don’t: Giving your partner a sensual foot massage across the table while sitting next to a friend. And lose more points if the partner receiving the massage is making any type of noises whilst receiving said massage.

Those are my main guidelines. However there is a bunch of gray matter when it comes to PDA, so if you get confused, please feel free to email me questions. Or just email the ridiculous stories of PDA you have seen. I love hearing those too.