On Sunday morning, right after church, a woman I barely know suggested I run naked around my house all week.
We were standing just outside of church, two minutes after Palm Sunday Mass had ended. She was with two other women I know when she offered that suggestion, with great enthusiasm.
One of the other two women seemed a little shocked. The other laughed.
I’m not going to analyze why she reacted that way — to laugh. I’m going to assume she was sharing in the enthusiasm of the first woman, and leave it at that.
I had stopped to say hi to the women. Since we all know each other from school, the subject of Spring Break came up.
My teenage sons are gone for Spring Break, I told them, off on a cruise with their mother and grandmother and that for the first time since December, I have the house to myself. For a week.
And that was the first suggestion I got. To run naked.
She meant indoors, I assume — not actually around the house.
I told her I had already done that on Saturday.
I had also cleaned the kitchen Saturday morning, and was kind of surprised that it was still clean when I got up on Sunday.
Which was late, by the way — I got up LATE on Sunday. Know why? Because the night before was Saturday night and my kids were gone. I was up late, baby! Damn right!
I was up writing until 1 a.m. Charlie Freakin’ Sheen, I’m an animal!
All the laundry was put away Saturday too. Come Sunday and … what’s this? There’s no new laundry to do!
Which is fine — I wouldn’t have had time to do it. Heck no, I’m gonna be busy!! I’m a free man with a week-long plan!
Sunday after church, I worked in the back yard a little, cleaned my BBQ grill so it sparkles again and is much more likely to now be free of e-coli than before.
I watched the Masters … in three different rooms. I read more than the Sports section of the Sunday paper. I was living large!
Sunday night, I ate a small steak (which I pan cooked inside – I didn’t want to mess up the grill!) I watched baseball on ESPN … then stopped in the middle to watch 10 minutes of Mad Men, then went BACK to baseball, then BACK to Mad Men! I had a glass of white wine and a glass of red!
Can’t stop me — I’m Living LARGE!!
With a whole week still ahead!
There’s a list of things I’m going to do. On my schedule, at my pace, with no concern for when someone has to be at school, or at practice, or picked up from practice, or needs their lunch made, or wants the lunch delivered that they left behind, or needs a poster board at 9:30 at night, or … anything.
There’s work to do during the week, of course. But it includes a couple of fun meetings, even a breakfast meeting on the other side of the hill. I LOVE breakfast meetings — it’s the only time I actually eat breakfast! But if I were dealing with making lunches and getting kids to school, I might not be able to make that meeting. So this is the perfect week for it!
And this coming Saturday night, my last free night, I have a poker game planned with friends.
Not a lot, I know — and that’s fine! Because besides that, my week is a canvas yet to be painted. The possibilities are endless!
The last time they were gone, I re-did their bedrooms. New paint, some new furniture, re-arranged, pictures re-hung, real adjustments.
If all goes well this time, I won’t set foot in their rooms all week.
What will I do? Oh, there’s a LIST of things to do! Oh, yes, a list!
Here’s some of the wild things on my bachelor list for this week:
- Clean my office. Maybe finish the taxes if I’m feeling really zany.
- Eat peas. (I love them, most other people, including my offspring, hate them).
- LISTEN to a Dodgers game, or two, or five. On the radio. Because I can — it will be quiet enough — and because I can’t watch it on TV. (Thanks again Time Warner and the Dodgers).
- Get up in the morning whenever I want to. Or at least, when I need to — not when they need to.
- Get rid of some stuff (juvenile toys, youth sporting equipment, a broken air hockey table) that has been around here for years. They never get used anymore, but one of my sons would swear they were just getting ready to play with them if I brought it up.
- Eat fish (see peas for explanation).
- See a friend or two, at night, on a school night.
- Delete episodes of The Simpsons and The Family Guy off the DVR.
- Iron the shirts in the ironing basket.
- Write, a lot.
CRAZY stuff, right?
Hard to believe TMZ isn’t parked outside my door right now, reporting on all this debauchery!
What a week this is going to be!
By Monday morning, somebody was set to pick up the air hockey table. Check!
But I just found out the breakfast meeting was cancelled. And the poker game was rescheduled.
That’s ok — just frees up MORE time for wildness, right?
What else can I add to this bacchanal week?
I’d like to work out a little more than usual, maybe go to the beach for a day, maybe squeeze in a round of golf.
But then I start thinking … we all haven’t been to the beach in so long, maybe I should wait until they’re back and take them.
And my older son has just taken an interest in playing golf — especially with me — maybe I should wait until he’s back.
And they could both work out a little more — as could I — maybe we can start a training program together.
Wait, WHAT?! Are you crazy? You think … what?! You think I MISS them?!
HA! Come on!! I’m Single Man! I’m no responsibilities guy!!
I can do whatever I want, with whomever I want! I mean … anything!
OK, fine. I miss them. And it’s only Monday night.
The Dodgers don’t even play tonight.
I’m gonna’ go cook some peas.
Mike Brennan has been a Pulitzer Prize-nominated newspaper reporter, a magazine writer, a nationally touring stand-up comedian, a morning radio host, a professional auctioneer for numerous charities and a film and TV script consultant. He is currently working on a romantic comedy screenplay, and a humorous book on being a father, called The Tooth Fairy Doesn’t Pay for Yellow Teeth. He has lived in the Valley for 17 years, and has two teenage sons.