Hannah Dukkha Nirvana: First Book of Trinity, Set 2, #1


Set 2 #1: The gangster’s tale …

So, you still here?

Like, I did not scare you away?

Okay. You wanna hear the next stories?

Oh, this time, I will be like a ghost-girl. We can do god-girl [sic] tea time. It will be fun. Do you want to see how I am at 5?

You will, if you like it or not. [smiles at you then closes her eyes]

Daddy! Daddy said that it was, like, many, many years ago. He said he did not take her out. Daddy lied. Santa, uhm, gave him coal for Christmas. That year, Santa was a butthole! Or, like, I am, too, young. I would not be alive then to see daddy and my brother so young. But daddy liked his cousin. She was family. He, uhm, lured her out. Hmm, I don’t know what luring means. I … [putting finger on nose, eyes upward] I think Daddy was trying to take his cousin out for a walk. Like doggies, you know? They, like, yeah, you know, need walks to go poo and pee. Maybe she needed to go potty? My mommy called it number one and number two! Number one is pee! [giggles]; number two is poop! [giggles more] Maybe she had to go potty really bad?

One time, [eyes widen] I was at, uhm, school and had to pee. I swore. Like, I swore! I would let an itsy bitsy out. But when I started, I could not stop. A big puddle was on the floor. [making circular motions with arms]. Shh! Don’t tell anyone. I sneaked away. I felt cringy all day. I smelled like pee! Like, I need to go potty sometimes. And I don’t have time-ah. No! I am serious! The teacher only lets us go a couple times! 2 times! But, but, Daddy does not have to take me outside. I am a big girl and can use the potty all by myself. Oh, uhm, I don’t have to use the little baby potty anymore! No! No, I, I am a big girl, so I don’t need to be walked outside like our doggie Rocky. Not like my cousin because I can go all … by … myself! [crossing her arms, looking proud]

Now, uhm, my cousin was a big girl. A really old girl. Now, my daddy says she is my great cousin. I guess if a big girl needs to pee outside, she is great? But, I, I think she is very old now. I think she finally learned to do number one and number two in the house. But not on the floor or carpet. I did when I was a baby. When I was a little baby, I pooed in my pants. [pinching her nose shut with her fingers] She can use the big girl toilet now. I think daddy taught her good that day. I love my daddy.

Daddy, now, did not plan it. He took her out really quick. He took her out, uhm. And they met daddy’s friends. You know, like when Rocky goes out. Rocky will meet other dogs. Some dogs are cute and friendly. [makes puffing sound, tongue out like a dog] Others are very bad dogs! Mean dogs! [growling, wrinkling nose] But these dogs were … uhm, cute at first. They greeted each other, daddy said. I guess my great cousin wanted to go poo or pee in a private spot. I know Rocky does! Like, he, uhm. Like he gets nervous if you watch him poo. He does not care if you watch him pee. That is gross. He lifts up his leg and yellow pee flows out. Kinda like a rainbow. It’s only yellow, though. It would be cool if dogs peed rainbows. Then it would not be yucky. But he hides when he poos. I guess my cousin wanted to poo in …? Daddy said an alley, a dark spot. The doggies followed. Daddy said that she did not like that. She wanted to be alone and go alone. Those doggies followed her. Now, daddy did not follow her. Remember? Daddy was walking her. Daddy is not a dog, silly! Daddy says that, uhm, we need dark spaces so that we can hide what is in us. I don’t know what that means. Daddy says strange things sometimes.

But daddy, said. Well, he said, uhm, the other friends attacked her. They were bad doggies [showing her teeth, barking]. They were really bad because they played pretend. They pretended in a bad way. Bad doggies! No way. Daddy said he did not stop them though. Daddy feels bad about that now. I do, too. I think. Well, I think daddy made the wrong turn. Daddy said that once upon a time, Daddy was a bad doggie, too. I think, he played pretend. I do! Listen! Daddy played pretend! He pretended to be a bad doggie. But he is a good doggie. Because good daddies cannot be bad doggies. Since then, all those years, daddy talks to great cousin now. I saw her just yesterday. She gave me this. [holds out a stuffed dog]. It looks just like Rocky. Rocky is a good dog. [puffs with tongue out]

Daddy played being a bad doggie too much. They put him in doggie jail for a long, long, time, I think, like, twenty … [struggling with number] years! It’s a big number. I try and remember.

Daddies, I think. Daddies do change. Just, if you are a daddy, listen! Please! Don’t be a bad doggie. No! Uhm, don’t pretend to be a bad doggie when you are really a good doggie. Because then you go to doggie jail. Your son never gets to see you. He, my brother, was so sad he became a bad doggie, too. He never saw you until he was really, really old. Like twenty something. I would hate not seeing my daddy.

Daddy was a bad doggie because a good job does not pay like a bad job. So, good doggies. Even people. Like, even good people play bad doggies. And, daddy says, the good doggies in suits are really bad doggies playing good. Because, well, good jobs don’t make money. Bad jobs do. Huh! I am so confused. I don’t know if a good doggie is a bad doggie or a bad doggie is a good one! I just love my own doggie daddy. Daddy says that kid at the drive through “poisons us with,” he says, “cheap fat, sugar, and spice?”

So, daddy got out after all those years. He was happy but scared. Things were different, but daddy still did his bad job. Uhm, “hustled” and showed his money when he went to good doggie treatment. Yeah, he called it that. Daddy had a lot of money. [making big stack with hands] He drank that drink that makes him stumble around. It’s like when a dog pees but falls over. But my brother, a bad doggie [as if scolding a puppy], did make daddy a better daddy, I think.

My brother, uhm. My brother seems as big as my daddy. But Malik, my brother. He sometimes has that, uhm, scary … bad dog look. Sometimes he did. He was living with his mama. I, too, called her mama. She is not my mom. She is like a second mom, a back up mama. It was cool having a mom and a back-up mom. Malik lived with mama far, far away. Daddy could not see Malik there because he still. Well, daddy still has a collar around his leg! That is so silly! A collar should be around your neck. Doggies wear collars around their necks, but I guess. Well. I guess good doggies that act like bad doggies have collars around their ankles. Daddy says that his neck is too big for a doggie collar. I think that is just silly.

Daddy’s phone woke me up. I only remember that daddy cried! I think daddies don’t cry. He said to my mom, my first mommy, that Malik is in bad trouble. He hurt mama very bad. Well, worse than bad. He said “moidered.” I don’t know what that means. It did not sound good. It sounds like that loud machine that daddy cuts the grass with. Malik was like one of those bad doggies. Like the doggies that hurt my great cousin. Sons don’t moider mothers. You only use that to cut grass, not people.

I was scared. [tearing up, sniffling]

Daddy never cried like that. He was a good doggie and bad doggie every few minutes.

I was scared. He said very bad words. He said he was going to kill Malik. He was going to take his collar off and go kill Malik. He was a bad doggie [trying to growl but crying too much].

Then, he became a good doggie and said he will go save his son. [puffing with tongue out, tears streaming down face].

I heard him tell mommy he has a picture of mama in the gourd? I don’t know what a gourd is. But I found out. When daddy finally fell asleep. I looked at his phone. [sniffling more, trembling]

I didn’t mean to Don’t tell him I won’t do it again I swear! No, I just wanted to see mama-ha! [crying uncontrollably]

[long pause]

A gourd is like those big refrigerators at school. Malik put mama in a refrigerator. She turned blue, you know like Blue, uhm, that Blue doggie on Daddy’s phone [becoming dissociated]. He is there right behind mama’s gourd picture. [shows stepmother’s morgue picture and then a picture of Blue’s Clues]

Can you believe that mama was there so long? It looks like she has ketchup all over her face? They got to take her out! She is, too, cold. She could … die! I wanted [sniffling] to tell daddy to go take her out. Get her out of the gourd, that big fridge. People don’t go in fridges! That is silly. But this … didn’t feel so silly. [starts crying]. Daddy said that Malik is charging with capital moider. Daddy said. I heard. Don’t tell him. Should he kill Malik or save him from capital moider.

Well, I don’t want Malik to be put in a gourd like my mama. Like his mom, but Daddy was so upset. Daddy just walked around and around and around for hours and hours, forever.

I still love my daddy. When daddy is a bad dog [growling, sniffling, and crying], I still love him. When daddy is a good dog [puffing with tongue out, crying], I love him. I don’t care what you say. My daddy should have no collar on. He is not a dog. He is my daddy. [cries uncontrollably again]

[Becomes numb, dissociated] Daddy said it was bad. Malik was fighting with mama. Malik started attacking her. You know, like the bad doggies that hurt my great cousin. Then, he pulled a gun. I think it’s the toy gun Malik showed me once. He said to me that the toy gun was his, uhm, respect-maker. Mama started to run away, and boom. Like that. He shot her in the back of the head. It must have been filled with ketchup. Wasn’t it? [becoming more aware, insecure] I know it was. That is why Malik put her in the fridge. Because, well, uhm, because. Yes! He did not want the ketchup to go bad. After, he cleaned her up, too, took off her clothes, washed them, put her on the couch and dressed her. That was nice of him. But he did a bad thing. A very bad doggie. He tried to make it look like a suicide. What does that mean? Never mind. It must mean that he tried to make things better … you know … for his mommy.

So, daddy was pacing like … a mad doggie. I thought. I am a big girl. I have got to have courage! I must help my daddy. So, I did! I made sure I came out of my room every little while. And you know. I told daddy what mama would do to me when I was upset. She would say, “You need a hug!”

So, you know what I did? I ran out of my room. I ran to daddy and opened my arms very wide [gestures, opening arms, wide hug] and said, “Daddy, you need a hug.”

You know what! Daddy was not scary. He picked me up and hugged me really, really tight. So tight, but I liked it. Daddy cried a lot. But whenever I hugged daddy and said, “Daddy, you need a hug,” he became a gooder and gooder daddy. I hugged him 30 times! I counted. I am a big girl now. I can pee and poo on my own, and I can count. I can even hug my daddy when I feel afraid of him.

I have courage! [sticks chest out, smiles, red watery eyes]

Daddy sat next to me in the morning one day. He smiled at me. He said he did bad things he regrets. He said he was a bad doggie with great cousin. Malik was 5 when daddy left to doggie jail. He cried. He said Malik was a bad doggie because daddy was a good doggie gone bad. His son lost a father.

I am 5, too, the same age as Malik when daddy left for doggie jail. Daddy said that he will help Malik and save his life. I was happy to hear that. He said mama is gone. She died.

I don’t like death. Death is a bad doggie, too. But daddy said my hugs helped him “see straight.” Well, I always thought daddy needed glasses. Daddy said that he will always be there to hug me. Daddy will not leave me like he did Malik. Daddy will work the good jobs with bad pay. Daddy said that hugs are better than good pay and bad jobs.

I saved my daddy and my brother. I am a big girl. I do miss mama, though.

[Shuts eyes, older, girl emerges, looking dead at you]

Like, you know what, OMG, I think people always have some good in them because people are, like, good, you know. It’s all this hiding of themselves, I think. Can a rapist be a good man? I think all men are good men, and some do bad things because bad things were done to them.

I sometimes think you are all destined to chase your tails. You little humans are sometimes that stupid dog that cannot figure out what that thing is that seems to chase him. The key is to get hold of that tail and bite it as hard as you can. Stop the cycle. If you bite hard enough, you will never chase that tail again. You will realize that your worst fears are all just part of you. One cannot ever move forward if they are always looking back. Even the simplest animal needs to know what is in front of them.

That was a “toughie.” I will go make some dots. You, well, you look awful. Cheer up.

[Looks at you with compassion and shakes head, as if you are the child] You cannot escape the pain.

But …

When the sun goes down, we soon get to see dawn.


Editor’s Note: Read the previous chapters here.