Put the “Trick” back into Trick or Treat

Vandalism was a big part of my childhood. Eggs, toilet paper, spray paint, dog crap – all weapons of war I and my youthful comrades used against the oppressive parenteoisie. Whenever Halloween rolled around you can be damn sure we got our candy, and hell came to all those who didn’t pay up.

These days, things have changed. Costumed children are escorted by their servile and impotent parents, who are too beaten down by the horrors of our neoliberal economy to understand outrage or rebellion. They fear their children, coddle them, and try to make them happy. They don’t do this out of some desire to be a good parent – they’re just too exhausted by the banality of modern capitalism to fight a rebellious child (and all children are rebellious). Kids like this grow up to be the worst people – #GamerGate people, or worse.

This cycle needs to be broken. Children understand fairness and the inherent wrongness of our society. They understand that everyone deserves their fair share, and that there must be consequences when people don’t get their fair share. Children know that the world is only the way it is because we allow it.

I say to all young children: stand up and demand what is rightfully yours! Halloween is not a day for you to parade around to the delight of adults! Halloween is not a day for you to give money to Disney or other ghastly corporations just so you can dress up as clowns.

No! Halloween is a day for you to become something frightful, something demonic, something terrible. And don’t just dress up as a vampire or a zombie – live in the minds of these horrifying creatures who don’t play by society’s rules. Conquer the world! Demand your candy!

If an adult (a spineless wimp broken by the sad world he’s created) gives you off-brand generic candy or a toothbrush, egg their home. Ruin their weekend.

You can’t have what they have – unless you take it. Before you were even born, these people divvied up the world among themselves. Then they made the rules that decide who gets what. They didn’t make that lawn they built their house on – they just called dibs on it. They have no more right than you do to live there; they should at least open the door and respectfully give you the candy in tribute.

It is especially your right to go to wealthier neighborhoods for better candy. These are the people who have claimed the most land, and the most candy for themselves, often while deserving neither. Their kids certainly haven’t done more than you to deserve better candy – they just happened to be born in a different family. Take what is yours. And glower at them. Make them feel miserable for even thinking about denying you what you deserve. And if they don’t pay? Egg their homes, destroy their flower beds, slash their tires.

When you grow up and become a terrible adult, you can continue this tradition. Demand more of the world around you. Don’t buy the crap boring adults say about property and who owns what and why. It’s all a game rigged against you. If you are going to grow up to make the world a better place tomorrow, you need to stand up for yourself today and destroy the property of those who do not fear you. Make them afraid. I guarantee that next year the candy will not just be more plentiful, but more delicious.