Pick-up lines that don't work on women using okcupid - Baltimore Post-ExaminerBaltimore Post-Examiner

Pick-up lines that don’t work on women using okcupid

Certain people have a tendency go back and forth after a break up, not really sure if they’re ready to finally pull the plug.

I need to be honest with my dear, loyal readers; I went back to okcupid. I’m not sure why. I don’t want to blame John Cusack for not tweeting me yet … But I was feeling lonely and okcupid was there; it just happened.  I’ve been reading profiles and perusing pictures in hopes that some of those old feelings would come back.

I had renewed hope in this relationship as I typed in my old password, but that was soon diminished when I read the messages from all the Meandering Mathews that had arrived in my absence.

Obviously I’m not a dating expert (hence Mancation) but I do know a few things about what women like, and the shitty pick up lines men use.

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

How is it that a 28-year old is a “younger man” to a 36-year old woman? Next time I meet a guy in his 40s I’m going to ask him if he’s into younger women and then tell him I’m 36. Also, when a “younger guy” asks if I’m open to “a fun and casual,” I can only assume he wants to have a fun wedding and some casual children …

I know it’s hard to come up with a great line on okcupid, so some guys go for the simple approach: your name and something about yourself:

“Hi! Nice to meet you.”

“My name is Fabulous Fred and I have 6 kids.”

“Hey, how’s your weekend?”

“I’m Buzzkill Barry and I drive a Lamborghini.”

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

But “I am a firefighter with long hair” only makes me want to hash tag your ass #longhairdontcare

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

The wrong end of the spectrum from the simple approach is the “deep thinker.”  Honestly, I’m picking dates based on their height and number of tattoos; the depths of my soul would drown in a coffee cup. And the guy that wants me to hold him the way I hold my dogs has his own set of issues.

proper grammar2I realize it’s the age of technology and texting, but when writing a note to a woman you don’t know, certain grammatical rules should still apply.  “u” is actually spelled “you.” most people capitalize the beginning of a sentence and speling errers can easily b corectted using spel chek. Seriously, put some effort into it!

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

And guys, your selfies are horrible enough, but a photo with a strange or dead animal is wrong on every level. Don’t do it.

BathtubBob2On a side note … Bathtub Bob is still better than a rubber ducky at bath time and we’ve been FaceTime tubbing so much that I’m surprised I haven’t grown fins …

JohnCusackHelp a girl out and tweet @johncusack to let him know I’m not crazy @jaimiebeebe and we’d make a cute couple! Stalk me on Instagram (FeatherGirl77) because I like the attention.





About the author

Jaimie Beebe

At the age of 36, Jaimie has gone on one adventure after another. Getting an idea in her head she isn't afraid to jump into action... Usually with no planning and never considering the consequences. At 17 she left her small Iowa town to follow the band Phish and live in her car, she spent time protesting logging in Oregon, got arrested for organizing a topless march in Ohio, received a Bachelor’s degree in photography, spent a month camping in the forest at a rainbow gathering, received a Master’s degree in Music Management, managed some rock bands, modeled for Playboy, slept with a rock & roll legend a few times (hey, you would too), sold real estate in Los Angeles, bought a condo in Las Vegas and lost it to the bank when the market crashed, built her house in the Hollywood Hills in a bikini after the contractor she hired stole her money, took classes to become a magician, wrote articles and columns published in several magazines and websites, ran a production company, produced commercials with huge stars like John Stamos and Betty White and currently owns a casting company. And now she’s taking her readers with her on her next adventure: Mancation. Contact the author.
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54 Comments

  1. Corey Spirit-Fingers says:

    Uhh, It’s a dating website, not Facebook. And why does she name drop John Cusack? The level of self absorption, look at me look at me – how dare you look at me, is nauseating in this female human. As she states she likes the attention. As far as whatever hipster trash she decides to settle with good luck – It will always be about her, unless you’re John Cusack, I mean seriously? John F-in Cusack??? Talk about random as f$#*…

    Reply
    • Tim Forkes
      Great_Timbini says:

      That’s the point of the column, Mr. Spirit-Fingers: it’s about Jaimie and her life — get it?

      Reply
    • Jaimie Beebe says:

      You gotta do your research! I name drop John Cusack cuz he’s hot & I asked him out in an earlier blog… duh! Here’s the link – have at it! https://baltimorepostexaminer.com/break-ups-advice-mom/2014/03/17

      Reply
      • Corey Spirit-Fingers says:

        ….. America, where critical thinking skills and actual intelligence have been disregarded for every body trying to be a fucking Kardashian.

        Reply
        • Jaimie Beebe says:

          Hell yes I want to be a Kardashian! I’d love to have millions of dollars… I’m guessing you wouldn’t turn it down!

          Reply
          • Corey Spirit-Fingers says:

            I would – I make good money being a Professor and all – this is actually part of my Communications class. I don’t have millions, but I do OK.
            So my tombstone – Prof teaching people how to think and communicate.
            Yours – aspiring to be a person who fucks a lot of black dudes and is devoid of a soul I think.

            No no, I’m good, I’m good. 🙂

  2. fact_comment says:

    Reading other blog postings by the writer, her dating criteria are lots of tattoos and 6 ft tall. She hooked-up with a married man with three children on vacation in Central America.

    …and she can’t figure out why she isn’t getting the results she wants.

    Reply
    • Jaimie Beebe says:

      True! And I have the balls to write about all the shit I get myself into lol… Thank you for reading through my blogs! There’s a new one every week 🙂

      Reply
  3. Atlasshrugged2wice says:

    I’m curious as to how all this animosity between the sexes (see below exchanges) is helping any of us. Look, we’ve all had bad experiences with online dating. I’m currently pretty disheartened with the whole process myself. But, I also recognize that it is a PROCESS and not a guarantee. We are all somewhat lonely to some degree and doing the best we can. No, I’m not suggesting a big drum circle where we hold hands and talk about “feelings”, but…come on people, lighten up.

    JaimieJaimie is just venting a bit, just like the rest of you are. Instead of attacking her and her article (which you took the time to read–not like she mailed it to your house…), maybe try to man-up and not take it so personal. Are there any men left anymore? I’m a 41 year old male and still single; think I haven’t been through the dating wringer? That’s life, deal with it and stay positive. If you can’t do that, dry your tears and don’t make your problems and insecurities another person’s. Instead of insulting her, try understanding she’s going through the same BS you are. All you keyboard warriors out there flinging around insults under the cover of anonymity need to give it a rest.

    Rock on, Jaimie. There’s someone out there that will light up your sky and he’s just waiting for you to show up. ~M

    Jaimie

    Reply
  4. im a woman says:

    funny- i thought this was spot on to my okcupid experience, then i read all the hater comments – oh… they’re dudes. figures. women can take the first shot too, but it doesn’t stop a bunch of “hi, i’m boy” or “how are you?” or “it’s my birthday” lame one liners from coming into my inbox. if you want a good reply, figure it out. ain’t too hard to be interesting- unless you’re not. sorry.

    Reply
  5. Tim Forkes
    Great_Timbini says:

    You guys do understand, I hope you understand, this is humor and one of the techniques she uses is irony. Do you know what irony is?

    Reply
    • Amen brothah! Haters are entertaining to be sure, but of course they’re just barking dogs at the wheels of a firetruck booking down the road—irrelevant! (hmmmm, firemen… : ) Anyway, Jaimie’s hilarious—a soul sister to Chelsea Handler, perhaps?

      Reply
  6. hippo-krit says:

    What are you doing reading messages anyway if all your ugly ass wants is a tall nozzle with tattoos? Good luck getting anyone younger, grandma

    Reply
    • Tim Forkes
      Great_Timbini says:

      And if your grandma looked like the author, hippo-krit, you’d be banging her, or at least pounding your pud fantasizing about it.

      Reply
    • Jaimie Beebe says:

      Thank you for wishing me luck, but I’m hoping to get by on my looks & big boobs… Fingers crossed!!

      Reply
  7. Kellen Mitchell says:

    A female friend once let me have a peek at her profile and I was instantly envious of how much attention she received every hour of every day. Dozens of likes, visitors, etc, compared to my…almost none. It helped me realize that a) women on OKC have more suitors than they know what to do with and b) only the handsomest, least creepy of them get a response. The question I still struggle to answer is “if I cannot become more handsome, how can I become less creepy?” This article did not help.

    Reply
  8. TonySandos says:

    This article is horrible. It doesn’t actually help men succeed in online dating, it’s just a long complaint.
    Fellas, if you want real advice that has been proven, head over to returnofkings.com and don’t mind the naysayers.

    Reply
    • Jaimie Beebe says:

      Hi Tony! I’m not trying to help men succeed in online dating – I’m tryng to help myself succeed! I’m glad you got the opportunity to plug your website on the comments to my blog 🙂
      Does that mean I’m famous?

      Reply
      • TonySandos says:

        im sorry it doesn’t. I’m sure you already came to the conclusion of what you are on your own-lonely and washed up. don’t put that off on everyone else. people with good personalities don’t deserve to be in pain like you are

        Reply
        • Jaimie Beebe says:

          I’m not in any pain… I had a head ache last night for a little while but it went away. Thank you for your concern!

          Reply
    • Tim Forkes
      Great_Timbini says:

      Because the naysayers might actually be on to something.

      Reply
      • TonySandos says:

        timmy, stop sucking up to her unless you’re actually that hopeless. I hope you see how badly you’re acting out soon. it’s embarrassing

        Reply
        • Tim Forkes
          Great_Timbini says:

          Oh Tony Baloney! You kidder you!

          Reply
          • TonySandos says:

            you silly little midlife crisis. find something better to do than defend a grown woman through every. last. comment. on her blog. do you have friends? is she giving you pussy in return for the Sir Lancelot routine? you’re a joke. kill yourself

          • Tim Forkes
            Great_Timbini says:

            Actually, I wasn’t defending her. I was making a comment about your pathetic website. See, my comment was, “Because the naysayers might actually be on to something.” It was in response to your comment, “… don’t mind the naysayers.” See how that works? I clicked on your link to see what kind of humor we’d find on a site called “return of kings” Now that’s some funny shit, but it wasn’t meant to be humor, which makes it all the more humorous.

          • TonySandos says:

            your cataracts are messing with your eyes timmy. that’s not even my site, I just endorse it for a friend. go to bed before you blood pressure medicine kicks in and you get stuck on the couch

          • Tim Forkes
            Great_Timbini says:

            Oh, you just endorse it for a friend! Well, that makes all the difference.

          • TonySandos says:

            you know the cheesy extra character in a movie who doesn’t know how corny he is? that’s you. good day little big man. I hope your find a sense of self someday. it should be a wake up call that a 20 something has so much more independence than yourself.

          • Tim Forkes
            Great_Timbini says:

            “TonySandos — The Bad Guy.”
            And I’m the cheesy character? Thanks for the laughs, Tony Baloney! Or should I call you, Mr. Bad Guy!

          • TonySandos says:

            goodnight simple tim. I have some manly shit to do tomorrow morning.

          • Tim Forkes
            Great_Timbini says:

            You go do your manly shit, Mr. Bad Guy!

          • Timbini says:

            So, we’re dying to know: how did your manly shit go?

          • TonySandos says:

            I went exceedingly well, due to the fact that I prepare for upcoming tasks and have long standing experience in accountability unlike the author of this blog. I helped a old woman growing up blood and probably saved a man from dying on a chest pain call.
            I know you were hoping for me to stumble over myself replying to this, but I don’t have to make things up to prove my words and I measure up to the standards I expect of people. Continue having fun being someone else’s cheer squad when you should be trumpeting your own successes or vigorously working toward them as an older to middle aged man. It’s honestly sad that you guys don’t demand more for yourselves. I’m not flustered by the comments, more accurately I’m disgusted.

  9. Tim Forkes
    Great_Timbini says:

    I don’t know which is funnier: the blog itself or the comments.

    Reply
  10. Mr. Smith says:

    This author sounds stuck up to me.
    She is doing the guys a favor by not going out with them.

    Reply
  11. Whatever says:

    Yes, 8 years makes him a younger man. If someone set me up with someone 8 years older than me and didn’t mention the age gap I’d be very offended. Likewise, being in my 40’s I would consider a 36 yo a younger women. He was attracted to you, great, but I suggest you don’t let your ego affect your perception so strongly(at least in public

    Reply
    • Jaimie Beebe says:

      Interesting… Ego is defined as a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. I think that means no matter what I do it will affect my perception, right? Also, I think in some areas of the country or world 8 years is a big age gap, but it’s not so much in Los Angeles where people seem to age a bit differently. Just sayin’!

      Reply
  12. fact_comment says:

    Why do some women posture like they’re too good for on-line dating? Nobody is forcing them to maintain a profile, they could delete it anytime they want.

    Reply
    • oasis says:

      We’re too good for the dodos that hit on us. Big difference.

      Reply
      • fact_comment says:

        So then take the initiative and message men first. But then you’d have to face the risk of rejection, or take responsibility for a botched message exchange… and you just might find yourself blog fodder for someone else…

        Reply
    • TonySandos says:

      She’s 36 and alone so she is trying to self-validate her worth by placing judgments on others and uplifting a fake sense of grandiosity

      Reply
      • Jaimie Beebe says:

        Thank you Tony! I do feel an amazing sense of grandiosity right now – I feel like I’m so famous I’m practically a Kardashian!!

        Reply
      • Tim Forkes
        Great_Timbini says:

        I think her sense of grandiosity is sincere!

        Reply
        • TonySandos says:

          wow. you are more than likely two decades older than me by your looks yet more groveling than a toddler needing moms attentions. just shameless

          Reply
          • Tim Forkes
            Great_Timbini says:

            I’m trying to figure out: are you truly taking all this so seriously, or just playing along to be funny. Your melodrama is so over the top it’s hard to believe you’re serious.

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