Break-ups and advice from Mom - Baltimore Post-ExaminerBaltimore Post-Examiner

Break-ups and advice from Mom

In light of my recent Mancation failures, I had to write a couple break-up letters …

tinderfailDear Tinder,
You have failed me.  It’s just not working out and I need to find another way to look for dates.  I know we’ll be together again someday, just not right now. I hope you can understand and we can remain friends because I’d like to visit sometimes. It’s not you; it’s me. #sorry
Still Single,

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Dear OkCupid,
I had hundreds of messages within hours of joining your site! You seemed promising, until I opened the first emails from fellow Companionless Cupid-ers.   
Although I’m sure it would be a record-breaking experience I don’t want a 72 year old man to “**** me all night long”, nor do I want to know how that would even be possible. 
Also, if your profile name contains the words “50 Shades of…” attached to some stupid word like your name… please stop. You are not “50 Shades of Dave” or “50 Shades of Matthew”. You are “50 Shades of Dumb” and “50 Shades of So-Last-Year”.
One last thing … the men on okcupid need to come up with new pick-up lines. #seriously
Still Single,

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Reeling from the backlash of these break-ups, I called my Mother for some sound advice …

Mom: You should date John Cusack.
Me: I’ve never met John Cusack.
Mom: He lives in Los Angeles.
Me: A lot of people live in Los Angeles that I don’t know.
Mom: Well, he’s on Twitter.
Me: What would I tweet him?
Mom: You could “say anything”.
Me: Good one, Mom.

So here it goes, this one’s for my Mom…

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Dear John Cusack.
My Mom thinks we’d be a great couple so I put our photos side-by-side and she seems to be right. (See attached photo).  After looking at the aforementioned photo I’m sure you find it hard to believe that I’m still single, but indeed I am. Because we don’t know each other, I want to share with you some reasons that we should go on a date:

  1. 1.   My mom likes you.
  2. 2.   We both love Fishbone.
  3. 3.   We both have a tendency to stand in the rain while people take pictures of us.
  4. 4.   One of my favorite movies is “Dirty Dancing”, and I’m sure you like it too.  Who wouldn’t?
  5. 5.   We both live in Los Angeles and are on Twitter.
Photo by Jaimie Beebe

Photo by Jaimie Beebe


Editor's screen shot

Editor’s screen shot

Follow me on Instagram: FeatherGirl77 for more selfies than you can shake a stick at. My mom says I’m on twitter, so follow me there too @jaimiebeebe.

About the author

Jaimie Beebe

At the age of 36, Jaimie has gone on one adventure after another. Getting an idea in her head she isn't afraid to jump into action... Usually with no planning and never considering the consequences. At 17 she left her small Iowa town to follow the band Phish and live in her car, she spent time protesting logging in Oregon, got arrested for organizing a topless march in Ohio, received a Bachelor’s degree in photography, spent a month camping in the forest at a rainbow gathering, received a Master’s degree in Music Management, managed some rock bands, modeled for Playboy, slept with a rock & roll legend a few times (hey, you would too), sold real estate in Los Angeles, bought a condo in Las Vegas and lost it to the bank when the market crashed, built her house in the Hollywood Hills in a bikini after the contractor she hired stole her money, took classes to become a magician, wrote articles and columns published in several magazines and websites, ran a production company, produced commercials with huge stars like John Stamos and Betty White and currently owns a casting company. And now she’s taking her readers with her on her next adventure: Mancation. Contact the author.

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