My inner monologue: Why am I here?

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And now a parody (or is it?) of the actor’s inner monologue post casting (or post the email that tells you: you didn’t get the gig – again).

Why?  Why am I doing this?  Why am I here?  Why are box shirts in style and leave me feeling like I’d look better in a potato sack?  Why?

Why her and not me?  I mean – sure she’s tall, but she has a pancake chest.  If this is about talent, this director is seriously disturbed – I mean we’re talking Whitney Huston “crack is good” disturbed.  “I can’t believe she was cast – again,” I text to my mom.  Send.  Wait – was that to my mom?!  Yes – phew.  Oh my gosh that wasn’t appropriate at all – when did I become that girl?  I know Snookie had a baby and fell off the face of the planet, but that doesn’t mean I have to fill her shoes.

But seriously – pancake chest?!  Look – I can’t control their decisions.  Maybe I should have moved in my monologue.  Pancake chest is a dancer and I sat in a chair.  Anyone can sit in a chair.  Anyone – like my manicurist could do that.  Maybe they wanted a blonde?  Really?  Because nothing says fire like red … or vivacious like RED.

Is that the bottom of this icecream carton?  Seriously, Jana?  Pull yourself together.  A pint of Ben and Jerry’s is one too many.

Maybe I’m not talented.  Maybe I’ll be 30 and my dad will send me to a Tuscan cooking school so I can come home and cook and care for him until I die.  Yes.  I’ll die first.  Oh my gosh – I’m 23 years old with no future.

I need to see a therapist and request Xanax.  Apparently that’s soothing.  … I hear Mark’s moving into town.  Therapy or sassy gay friend?  Hmm … mix Mark with an art gallery and some sangria and call him my therapist.  O.M.G. Perf.

Am I losing it?

Did I just say O.M.G?  Oh my gosh …

I’m losing it – and all because pancake chest got the part – again!  I never get the part … oh well – except that one time last year when I got the gig … and she didn’t … but that was one time and it doesn’t even count!

… But see it’s not even that pancake chest got the part.  It’s that she got the part and on the same day met and was photographed with Ryan Gosling.  Hey Girl – I just need to know my value doesn’t rest in a Facebook photo of Ryan Gosling with 182 likes.  Next thing I know she’ll be engaged with a ring larger than Kate Middleton’s – gag me … ugh, except don’t – I gave up purging for lent.

I don’t know why pancake chest beat me.  Mmm … pancakes … do we have any chocolate chips?  No, I don’t want vodka lemonade, Jana.  I just want the part!

I had a dream last night that I got the part and walked down the red carpet with Ryan Gosling.  And everyone in the world liked it on Facebook.  Dream.com said that means good fortune is coming my way … or something Confucius like that.

Whatever – I’m making pancakes and then I’m toasting a mimosa to more … auditions … and more … chances … and more … OK eah – get the vodka out.

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