Dating Statements to Reconsider
As someone that has only 10.6 pounds of femininity to deal with, I’ve been on just about every dating app made. Yep, I am still single. Well, I am divorced, but I hate that word. After all, how many of us have been in relationships and broken them off? Such labeling, in part, is the reason why I live only with my Pomeranian. As a social worker, though, I’ve noticed some problematic reoccurring statements that really narrow any possibilities in someone finding love.
I am looking for my other half
The thought of someone walking around with only their torso and legs or crawling on the ground without their torso or legs is quite disturbing. As any good dating advice website will note, no other person can really make you happy if we are not whole by ourselves.
I sometimes want to give my teenagers I drive that advice, but they are probably sick of advice from a man that is the same age as old people. But they should live on their own—or simply with a roommate they are not attracted to—for a time before starting any relationship.
We need time on our own to find our own hobbies, identities, and fully appreciate living by ourselves so that we become a self-contained unit.
If you are dating to look for your second half, my advice is to stop dating and find what makes you happy outside of another human being you seek an intimate relationship with. You will do that person no favors if you expect them to save you. You have to save yourself first.
So many women on dating sites seem to be yelling at guys before the guy even “likes” them. They say, “No drama!” Are you ladies sure you are drama free? Because no such human exists. We all have drama. In Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, he often refers to Problem Panda. And Problem Panda reminds us that “life is all about problems.” The goal is to make your huge problems smaller ones that you can put aside. They are easier to deal with. Every man has drama because life is traumatic. What that statement really means is that you want a man that is not a real man. That is probably why you are still looking. It’s not about having drama. It would be more accurate to write that you want a person that handles drama like an actor, a man that accepts there are problems in life but tries to make things better.
I want a man that knows what he wants
I get it. I am that man. After screwing things up and being angry and stubborn most of my youth, I finally understand how to do a relationship. I know who I want, and what is most important to me, and it’s not money, houses, cars, fame, none of that. I want to cherish someone who cherishes me. The problem is that I am expired. I am too old and the women I like are outside my age category. That is a criterion society pushes on me. I think it’s ageist, but that is for another article. It is possible for a man to know what he wants, but he is probably going to be an old man, and even they often don’t have a clue. Most likely, if a guy tells you that he knows what he wants, he is a jerk. He is lying to you, and you will buy it. He will speak with confidence because he is a liar. You want to believe him, so you will. After all, many of us choose the wrong person because we don’t believe we deserve love. Please ask yourself if you think you deserve love. You do.
A picture is worth a whole lot of catfishing
This is more related to my experience. Why is it that the only women that like me are catfishing me? They are probably not women at all. They are dudes with pictures of 18-year-old girls that they say are 45. I should be smarter, but I am not. I am a jerk. But jerks still want love, too. That’s the problem.
Regardless of what we think, people are pretty shallow. In fairness, we cannot help who we like. No therapy will change that. I don’t respond to women who fail to post a picture because, for me and for most men, I have to have a zing. I have to look at a person and think, wow, she is pretty. Then, I have to feel a strong connection. It is not enough to simply be pretty or to have a connection to a person without a face. In social work, we often see men in trouble with relationships because they chose the woman who would “make a good mom” over zing girl whose eyes melt them. That is a big mistake.
You cannot plan falling in love
The problem with dating apps is that it’s just like Walmart but a Walmart that is selling packaged people. I hate it so much that I will never get on such an app again. We cannot plan true love. True love is the one criterion built into us. We don’t choose who we are attracted to or fall in love with. For me, I try to look for women my age, but those I liked were not real. Then the darn app would keep putting college girls in my feeds. I felt like crap and was no longer interested in trying. We like who we like, and we have no control over who we fall in love with, when we fall in love with them, or under what circumstances. We can, however, make choices.
I understand that many people “find love” on dating apps, but the difference between true love and falling in love is that it’s just as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall into it. True love is when one cherishes the whole person. You are at their feet, and they, yours. That is what most people pass up. We don’t have patience or time. How many times have we walked past a true love?
Finding someone is not like landing a job interview
I find all of these criteria to be offensive. We no more want to be sitting on a store shelf than to be having an interview for love. Whenever one has a criterion, that is one more reason to lose a possibility. If you say, I only date a person who makes 100K, then what about that awesome guy that makes 85K? If you say, I don’t date guys with beards, have you ever thought that they actually make razors? Guys can shave. I don’t like these long beards either, especially on women.
Maybe the man of your dreams is under all that face fur. Let your criteria be your passion for someone, when eyes lock, when you cannot think of anyone else, when their flaws become their beauty marks. These are the only criteria you really need, and if you know how to be a whole person, you would not have such criteria, and you would not need to be on a dating app.
Little else matters but attraction and a strong connection
I think there is a difference between love and wanting financial security. If you want love, then that is a tough find. A few of you may have found true love on a dating app, but that was through no success of AI. It was pure luck. You are a lucky person. Just be open to the moment. If you ever feel that you won a prize when looking at someone, then that person may be your true love. Just make sure that they feel the same way.
Earl Yarington is a social worker and bus driver. He taught literature and writing for nearly 20 years and spent 3 years working in forensic social work.