12 Tips to Save Your Relationship
Relationships can be the most fulfilling aspect of our lives but they also require work. A LOT of work! There’s the working on communication and remembering birthdays… and more. If you feel like your relationship is struggling or losing its spark, don’t despair. Here are 12 practical tips to help you rebuild connection and save your relationship.
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1. Ignore the stereotypes
We learn so much about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman in a relationship that we end up developing values that may or may not work for our particular scenario. We assume women are more emotional, for example, or that men should do all the DIY. I’ll be the first to say that although sometimes it’s true (my wife is the “planner” and loves cooking so she’s the primary chef of the house, for example), it’s not always the case (I am by far the more emotional one and hate doing DIY!). And for a relationship to work, you need to play to your strengths rather than just doing things the way you think you “should”. Ignore the stereotypes, and don’t feel bad if you do things a little differently – your marriage will thank you in the long run.
2. Communicate your needs
People like to think that when you spend the time to get to know someone, they will just know what you need and fulfill it without even asking. Needless to say, this is pure fantasy. They may know who you are in a general sense, but they won’t always know what you need at any given moment, and simply assuming they will is naivety at best and crushing disappointment at worst.
3. Don’t wait for instructions
On the flip side, if you are simply waiting for the other person to communicate what you need, you may miss out on being proactive and helpful. They won’t always tell you “I need help with the laundry” – if you see the laundry needs doing and you have the time to do it, just get it done. Don’t assume “it’s not your job”, don’t assume your partner will just do it later – pull your weight.
4. Give one another the benefit of the doubt
Disagreements are bound to arise in any relationship. In the early stages of dating, these things can feel super trivial, but as time goes on, these differences inevitably stick out more. You may find yourself questioning if your differences are reconcilable and if you can move forward regardless.
5. Pick your battles, but fight the ones you pick
This one might be one of my more controversial views, but stick with me here. People look at fighting in a marriage and think it’s dysfunctional. Disagreement is inevitable in any relationship, and both parties are going to want what they want, regardless of what action takes place. “Good fighting”, I’ll call it, is knowing how to listen, but also how to communicate your side with conviction and honesty. Sometimes you can’t get to the bottom of the issue and figure out the best way forward if both parties don’t stand their ground and fight. This doesn’t mean screaming and shouting (not on purpose, anyway!), but it does mean not backing down or cowering to pressure just because you want to make peace.
But be aware that when you fight in a relationship, it does create tension and if not done well, it can lead to resentment. So pick your battles. Let the little things slide, but don’t let little annoyances build up into something bigger. Choose to see the best in your partner. It’s good to have strong opinions that you feel are justified, but realize that your partner probably does too. Find mutual ground, and compromise, but don’t give in until you are sure your partner truly understands your side. Fight well and move forward stronger together.
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6. Truly listen
Listening isn’t just being able to summarize what someone is saying. It’s understanding, it’s contemplating, it’s making them feel validated, and it’s responding in love. It’s truly caring about what they’re saying and being willing to change what you think. But it’s also hearing them in the small things: when they ask you to do something, when they want something, etc. It doesn’t mean always agreeing, but it does mean making the time to understand why they feel that way – whether there’s a disagreement or not. Listening and understanding will get you 90% of the way there, even if nothing ends up changing.
7. Try
Generic advice, sure, but so important. Don’t just cruise through your relationship. Try. Love looks like exuding effort for the sake of the other person. Find out what they like, and what they’re into, and seek to care about that and give them that. Think “How can I make this relationship amazing for both of us?” and do what you need to do to make that a reality. It’s easy to become complacent, especially the longer the relationship goes on.
8. Laugh together
There’s something chemical about laughter and joy in a relationship that helps lubricate the rough edges. When you laugh together, it becomes easier to forgive your partner and remember why you fell in love in the first place. It’s not something that makes sense logically, but when you laugh together, you connect, you bring the walls down, you ease the tension, and you rekindle your love for one another. Laughter brings out grace. It gives out mercy. It improves your mental health. It helps you love yourself, too.
9. Kindle the spark
People think the “spark” in a relationship is just for that initial dating stage. And although it changes as you get to know each other, the “spark” isn’t just the excitement of getting to know someone new. It’s the overwhelming gratefulness for this amazing person in your life. It’s seeing the best in them and maintaining that connection throughout the relationship.
Kindling means being romantic. It means being intimate. It means being intentional in cultivating the love you have for one another. Do not neglect these things, and for married couples, it means putting work and energy into your sex life, too. Do not hold back in your affections – let your relationship be electric with love, connection, and fun.
10. Comfort one another
This is my favorite part of being in a relationship. To have someone in my corner, someone who I know will be there for me when the world chews me up and spits me out – there’s nothing that compares. And I’m there for her, too. We are each other’s safe places.
11. Submit to one another
This is a Biblical concept more than anything – “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). You don’t get to go rogue in a relationship – you are accountable to the other person, and you must submit yourself to them. You must always think about the other person when making decisions – and not just consider them, but ask them for permission, especially big decisions. You’re a team, and it only works if both team members are committed to the other person.
12. Volunteer for the hard stuff
Love looks like taking on the annoying, difficult, unfun things in life. Don’t just do it if they don’t want to (because of course they don’t want to!) – be proactive and volunteer to do the crappy things. Your partner will thank you for it but don’t do it for the thanks.
Relationships are hard work – hopefully, the tips help you. Or if you’re still wanting to find someone special, download SALT today.