Baltimore Ravens signed who as their No. 3 QB?

Curtis who?

That’s what I thought upon opening an email sent to the media by the Ravens at 4:26 p.m. this past Thursday.

Here’s the first paragraph: The Baltimore Ravens have signed QB Curtis Painter (one-year deal), it was announced Thursday afternoon.

Really? Curtis Painter is the best the team can do in finding a backup to Joe Flacco and Tyrod Taylor?

Here’s the second paragraph of the Ravens’ press release: Painter enters his fourth NFL season having seen action in 11 career games, including eight starts. In 2011 with Indianapolis, he appeared in nine contests (eight starts), completing 132 of 243 (54.3%) for 1,541 yards, six touchdowns and nine interceptions.

Wow. Those numbers don’t exactly jump off the page. Who are we kidding? We saw this guy play in Indianapolis last year. There are many reasons why the Colts won two games last year – and Painter playing quarterback is as big as any of them.

He can’t win. I know it, you know it and Ravens’ nation knows it.

Apparently, the Ravens disagree.

Here’s how shocked I am that a franchise as good as the Ravens decided the best No. 3 quarterback they could acquire was a guy who looks more like a painter than a capable quarterback.

If you had told me the Ravens signed a guy named Curt to be their No. 3 quarterback, I would have said: “What a great move to get Kurt Warner out of retirement. He’s a great signing.”

Don’t laugh. Have you seen Warner on TV lately? He passes the eye test. Tell me he can’t take a three-step drop and fire a slant to Anquan Boldin or Torrey Smith better than Curtis Painter? Heck, he might do it better than Flacco.

Here are the three traits you look for in a No. 3 quarterback

1. He looks good in a baseball cap holding a clipboard as he gives advice to the starter on game day.
2. He always compliments the starting quarterback, regardless if he believes what he’s saying.
3. He prepares like he’s going to start. Have you ever seen Oliver Stone’s “Any Given Sunday?” The Miami Sharks lost their two top quarterbacks on consecutive plays. But it didn’t matter because they had Willie Beamen – also known as Jamie Foxx – to lead them to the title game. Warner’s life – from going to grocery bag boy to Super Bowl and NFL MVP – could very easily be a movie.

Now, tell me Warner, even at the young age of 40, can’t do all the above – and more. Imagine how much he could teach Flacco. Warner carried three teams to Super Bowls and is destined for the Hall of Fame. In his first season in St. Louis, he took a team that had lost more games in the 1990s to a Super Bowl title. In Arizona, he took a team with a terrible defense to the Super Bowl.

Warner has forgotten more about the game than Flacco knows. If you’re a Ravens fans, who would you rather have discussing game film with Flacco: Curtis Painter or Kurt Warner, a four-time Pro Bowler? Just saying.

Here’s the next paragraph in the Ravens’ release about Painter’s signing: A 6-4, 230-pounder, Painter has completed 140 of 271 (51.7%) for 1,624 yards, six touchdowns and 11 interceptions. His 87-yard touchdown pass at Tampa Bay last season was the fifth-longest in Colts’ franchise history.

That’s all they can say. That 87-yard touchdown pass? It came in a loss, a defeat in which Painter threw 30 passes – and completed 13.

But maybe there’s something we don’t know, here. Painter played in Indianapolis for then-head coach Jim Caldwell, who was hired by the Ravens to be their quarterback coach after Caldwell was dumped in Indy.

So maybe – just maybe – Caldwell knows something about Curtis the Painter that we don’t. But whatever he knows, we all know this: Caldwell benched Painter for – drum roll please – Dan Orlovsky last season.

Painter started eight games for the Colts last year, which makes for a great punch line: “Who won more NFL games last year as a starter: Painter or you? Answer: Last time I checked, unless you are an NFL quarterback who started eight games last year, the answer is: You both won zero.

But hey, Ravens fans, at least it can’t get any worse, can it? Wait, Painter will compete against Taylor for the No. 2 spot.

If that happens here’s a sentence that more scary than the sight of Mayflower moving trucks pulling up to Baltimore’s team complex in the middle of the night: Curtis Painter is one injury away from  being your starting quarterback.

Good luck with that.

You think the Jets would trade Tim Tebow?