After many, many arduous months of single living, Token has officially moved into my house. My nights of constant partying with my sexy single girlfriends are over; no more bar hopping in slutty outfits, no more late night lingerie pillow fights at my house, no more hanging out at a random guy’s house just because he has free alcohol and a hot tub. Long hours of Tinder swiping have given way to clearing closet space for Captain Wonderful’s wardrobe. Breakfast in bed has replaced dinner for one, and two dogs have multiplied into four dogs.
While living in sin with my Sexy Someone is totally as much fun as it sounds, it’s not always sunshine and candied apples. After spending the last few years with Loser Larry, I’m running low on childbearing years! It’s not easy to meet someone, start dating, profess your undying love, and move in together … before the 1st month anniversary. There’s likely to be a few bumps in the road.
The week after Casanova moved in, my razor started getting dull faster than normal. I’ve been shaving for over 20 years so I know exactly how many times I can shave my body before I need to change the cartridge. I like nice things and soft skin, so a girl like me absolutely cannot use a dull razor. Employing my quick thinking wit, I realized that Token always has that freshly shaven baby face, and I haven’t seen an extra razor in the bathroom. Could Prince Charming have the audacity to be using MY razor??
I called one of my gorgeous single girlfriends to get some guidance on the subject and hear about her date with Open Mouth Guy. Yes, that’s really what we call him – OMG. A few weeks back a group of us were perusing the bar when a young man approached Miss S. and offered to buy her a drink. He was totally her type with his ripped abs and tall physique, but we noticed he couldn’t seem to close his mouth – whether he was talking or not. So, as a group we took photos with our mouths open for the rest of the night.
It turns out her date with OMG was pretty good; he has a car, a job, paid for dinner, over 6 feet tall, and rocks a six-pack. Way better than the last one she picked up at the bus stop. #sorrynotsorry
After discussing the ins and outs of her date and my razor dilemma, her advice was to come right out and ask him if he’s been using my razor. I couldn’t do that; I didn’t want to take the easy way out! So, the next morning I showered first and hid my razor in the drawer under a box of tampons to see if my suspicions were right.
I listened as Prince Charming showered, imagining the water running down his tan shoulders and over his muscular arms. Soaping up his rock hard abs … wait – was he also using my expensive girly soap? Ugh!
Walking out of the bathroom he nonchalantly asked where THE razor was. Seriously?!? It’s not THE razor — it’s MY razor! Unfortunately, the fact that he was talking to me wearing only a towel made it really hard to remember why I was so angry in the first place … #sorrymom
But, I had to stay strong. I confessed that I hid my razor to find out if he had been using it, and now the truth was out! And what did Monsieur McSteamy have to say for himself? He LAUGHED at me! He seriously LAUGHED at me! He isn’t supposed to LAUGH at me when I’m mad because that just makes me madder!
When he was done laughing at me he used LOGIC against me: Wouldn’t it have been easier to just ask if he was using my razor instead of going through the trouble of hiding it?
Using logic against me is so unfair. The next day his razor showed up in the shower …
Token = 1
Feather Girl = 0
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To keep up with my amazing life you can stalk me on Instagram @feathergirl77 where I post pictures of the real life Token. But if you’d rather Twit than Gram your sh*t go to @jaimiebeebe, and if you’re still on Facebook I’m there too! www.facebook.com/mancation.story
At the age of 36, Jaimie has gone on one adventure after another. Getting an idea in her head she isn’t afraid to jump into action… Usually with no planning and never considering the consequences. At 17 she left her small Iowa town to follow the band Phish and live in her car, she spent time protesting logging in Oregon, got arrested for organizing a topless march in Ohio, received a Bachelor’s degree in photography, spent a month camping in the forest at a rainbow gathering, received a Master’s degree in Music Management, managed some rock bands, modeled for Playboy, slept with a rock & roll legend a few times (hey, you would too), sold real estate in Los Angeles, bought a condo in Las Vegas and lost it to the bank when the market crashed, built her house in the Hollywood Hills in a bikini after the contractor she hired stole her money, took classes to become a magician, wrote articles and columns published in several magazines and websites, ran a production company, produced commercials with huge stars like John Stamos and Betty White and currently owns a casting company. And now she’s taking her readers with her on her next adventure: Mancation.