Here’s To The Brown Family Tree!
My rich family tree has long been watered
by the blood of many a hero
But in looking back now I’m beginning to see
that some stalwarts were less than zero
Take “Washington” Brown who manfully rowed
the raging Rappahannock
His boat-mates later claimed that at the first shot,
Washington swam off in a panic
The Whiskey Rebellion is never discussed
although plenty of Browns were there
As good Quakers, that branch wouldn’t take up arms —
plus the tribe was too tipsy to care
In 1814, “Andrew Jackson” Brown
watched the swamps east of New Orleans
Once the Brits began pounding their eerie field drums,
“Andy J” was nowhere to be seen
Far across the great pond, Baron Barnaby Brown
led the Charge of the Light Brigade
Yet his rush was for naught when both he and his horse
ducked behind the first barricade
The stout twin brothers Brown stood shoulder-by-shoulder
on the line at Gettysburg
But precisely which party the pair chose to join
is the hitch history has blurred
Lore maintains “Strongarms” Brown was the sole survivor
of the ill-fated Little Bighorn
Never mind that the dates show this great paragon,
was a twinkle who hadn’t been born
Climbing hot San Juan Hill, grinning “Theodore” Brown
braved a hail with his heavy “Sharps rifle”
That the Army used Krags was a flagrant gaffe —
one our clan deemed a mere trifle
It is said the Lost Column was led by a Brown
whose shrewd tactics were truly chief
He reported the Huns had imprisoned the lot
somewhere deep in the Château d’If
There were Browns at Pearl Harbor in ‘41,
this is something I can confirm
But they sailed to Peru in November that year
with a vow they would never return
None at home ever speaks about Vietnam,
guess the pain is just too much to bear
Still, the maple leaf flag Uncle Claude often flies
makes me wonder: Was he even there?
In Kabul, “Chesty” Brown battled shepherds and goats
all to merit a bright silver star
That brash boast might have legs, since a Lucite medallion
decks the hood of his Chrysler K-car
I am stunned to discern that my tour in Grenada
may have been my clan’s high water mark
Truth be told, when it comes to confabulations
family pride is best left in the dark
Seems my poor padded tree has only been washed
in the mud of dubious endeavors
And you don’t need an archivist’s eyeballs to see
that the tales aren’t particularly clever
Anthony C. Hayes is an actor, author, raconteur, rapscallion and bon vivant. A one-time newsboy for the Evening Sun and professional presence at the Washington Herald, Tony’s poetry, photography, humor, and prose have also been featured in Smile, Hon, You’re in Baltimore!, Destination Maryland, Magic Octopus Magazine, Los Angeles Post-Examiner, Voice of Baltimore, SmartCEO, Alvarez Fiction, and Tales of Blood and Roses. If you notice that his work has been purloined, please let him know. As the Good Book says, “Thou shalt not steal.”