Election edition letters to Jim

Election Special: Letters to Jim

My fan mail is unending. I need to remember to remind my fans not to swamp the post office with letters to me in 2024 so they can devote more of their time to delivering ballots to voters. Perhaps my editor, Tim Forkes, would be willing to give out his home address so my fans can send my mail to him. Apparently, only left-wing liberals live in his neighborhood and no one cares whether they get their ballots.

Now, onto a special edition of Election fan mail.

Dear Jim,

What do you make of our president bailing on the second debate? It seems he could use a good debate performance and would jump at every opportunity to tear into Joe Biden. Is this a smart move on his part?

This may be the smartest thing Trump has done as president. No one wants to see a repeat of that first debacle of a debate other than Trump and since he can’t figure out how to jump in and interrupt a guy who is not in the same room as him, why bother? Trump is better served holding another super spreader, uh, I mean rally, that will fire up his base, drive CNN nuts, and make most of us wish we lived in Canada.

Joe Biden is better off as well. Can you name any 78-year-old man in this country who wants to place himself in front of a disease spreader like Trump?  Joe also doesn’t need a virtual debate with a mental midget who’s on a Remdesivir high when he can hold his own town hall style meeting and remind us why voters might want a sane person as their Commander-in-Chief.

Canceling a debate is not that big of a deal. What voters should be worried about is when Trump decides to cancel the election results. It’s not a matter of if he will, but when he will. There just are not enough undecided voters in this election to sway the results Trump’s way if you still believe the Russians had nothing to do with his win four years ago.

Dear Jim,
What did you take away from the vice-presidential debate?

I like a question that is short and to the point. Nothing. How’s that for a short answer?

If you played a drinking game and drank any kind of beverage every time Pence answered the question asked him, you died of thirst.  If you took a drink each time he stuck to his two-minute limit, you died of thirst. If you took a drink every time he spoke directly to his opponent, you died of thirst. It’s just as well, because once that fly stuck to his head like it was a freshly dropped pile of dog poop, you laughed so hard anything you might have consumed flew out of your mouth.

Mike Pence is a heartbeat away from the presidency and has a lower pulse than a dead person.

And speaking of dead people, was I the only one to find it strange the leader of the coronavirus task force was telling us what a swell job the administration has done while sitting behind plexiglass because his boss has exposed him to the virus?

As for Kamala Harris, I thought she came across as pretty much everything the GOP does not believe is possible; a woman of color can be smarter, kinder, more personable, and far more honest than a white man in a red tie. She represents why the Democratic Party is guilty of wanting to advance our society while Pence did a wonderful job of demonstrating what life must have been like in this country in the 1950s.

Dear Jim,
Do you believe there is a connection between the militia group that tried to kidnap Governor Whitmer of Michigan and President Trump?  

Ah, another to the point question. Yes!

However, this was not a militia group. You see, when armed citizens attempt to kidnap an elected official, they are a terrorist group and should be tried as such.  However, because they are white, support Trump, and are just doing what any Kool Aid drinking idiot would do for their troubled president, they won’t be tried as terrorists. In fact, I am surprised this bunch has not received a pardon along with a Presidential Medal of Freedom from Agent Orange.

At any rate, these are not the first armed people to rise up and resort to violencein support of Donny Bratso and they won’t be the last.  It is believed Trump has amassed 50,000-armed Kool Aid drinkers to do his dirty work in open fashion come election day. How many more join in after he tells them the results were rigged and they should take to the streets in protest.

You see, voting out Trump does not end this nightmare we have been living. When he has a solid base of close to 40 percent of the voting public, and when those people procreate and raise their children to hate like they do, this societal divide we face will not ebb anytime soon.

The seeds for more hate have long been planted and watered. Trump is just their fertilizer.

Dear Jim,
What do you make of Trump’s quick recovery from COVID-19 and following it up with a White House Rally a week after being in the hospital? Is he as strong and healthy as he claims or is something else going on?

The only thing strong about Trump is the stench that comes from the swamp he has created while in office. As for his health, are you talking about his physical or mental health?

Physically, he is morbidly obese to the point he is unable to stand straight. He needs to lean forward and grip a podium when he stands and loves having a large desk to sit behind while he rails at the world because it hides his ample gut. I feel safe saying Trump has not looked down and seen his feet in quite some time.

As for his mental state, well, I think we are seeing him come unglued with each passing day. The fact he has the codes to our nuclear arsenal should concern us, but let me remind you he is in bed with Putin and loves the economic opportunity China offers him once he is out of the Oval Office. Now, if you are a member nation of NATO, there is no telling which of you he will nuke just because he was given a small order of fries to go with his Big Macs, fish fillet and milk shake.

Dear Jim,
Is it possible you and people like you are just overreacting to Trump and making matters worse? If re-elected, is all hope lost for this country or will we thrive under a second Trump term?

The only hope in a second Trump term will be Hope Hicks. As for if Trump wins a second term, let me remind you, he is on record as already saying the only way he loses next month is if the election is rigged and he will set about undoing the results. In Trump World, the election is already over and he has already won a second term. The only question that remains is what does he do to lay claim to a third term?

Dear Jim,
Will the GOP go down in flames when the results are tallied next month?

We will finish on this final direct question. It won’t matter. You see, Trump will toss out the election and insist ALL results be nullified if an incumbent Republican loses. He will keep the Senate. He will have six justices on the Supreme Court. He will let loose with an agenda that calls for the arrest of the highest-ranking Democrats in the nation.

Meanwhile, we will be stuck at home thanks to the growing COVID numbers and be thankful we have access to Netflix. Otherwise, there might be mass street protests.

Please, be sure to vote. It ain’t over until the fat guy is out of office.

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Editor’s note: Jim’s editor prefers to keep his home address inconspicuous. The dogs are noisy enough as it is.