I demand to be considered a suspect in the Kennedy assassination - Baltimore Post-ExaminerBaltimore Post-Examiner

I demand to be considered a suspect in the Kennedy assassination

With so many possibilities around this still unsolved “X File” I think it only fair that in the interests of justice, fairness for all and winning the war with honor, that I have my name included in the list of possible suspects.

I will say straight away that I have no alibi for Nov. 22, 1963. Not a single witness can confirm that I was anywhere other than slap bang in the middle of the crime scene, and due to the nature of the event and the intervening period of time, no one can contradict my claim that I was in Dallas playing an “active” part in the assassination of JFK.

I know that LBJ has been put forward as a possible originator of the scheme, but for my part I had no contact or knowledge of his involvement in the shooting. I knew he was jealous of JFK for having the snazzier triple initials, whereas he kept being confused with PLJ, the lemon based slimming drink popular at the time, which riled him.

I will also confess to having no specialist knowledge of firearms nor training with them of any kind that I can recall, but that only serves to reinforce my contention that I was brainwashed by forces unknown to forget everything about the mission so as to render my testimony useless in the event of capture. It’s standard mission procedure.

I know the layout of the Dealey Plaza intimately. I can still see the motorcade moving along Elm and the Texas School Book Depository. Back and to the left. This is the kind of detail you only have if you were there. That or if you had seen the events endlessly replayed on television for the intervening 50 years.

Jackie Kennedy still wearing blood-stained clothes because she said she wanted everyone to see what ‘they did” to her husband.

Time to confess.

I was only six years of age when JFK was shot. But I was tall for my age, tall enough to hold a gun. I submit in evidence a number of photographs of proud American children doing exactly that whilst standing next to their proud fathers.

I have no recollection of what I was doing or where I was when I heard he had been assassinated. This is part of the standard entry examination for baby boomers and must by now be part of the nationality examination for those wishing to adopt American citizenship. There has to be some reason why I alone out of a world population of 6 billion have no idea of where I was at that time on that fateful day.

Brainwashing again. Whoever dreamed up the plot thought of everything. But I have checked my family photograph albums and there are no photographs of me at home dated Nov. 22nd 1963. True, there are no family birthdays or anniversaries on that date that might have been cause for photographs to be taken, but it further makes my point that I have no alibi for the time and date of the shooting.

It is true that the mystery surrounding the organisation of Kennedy’s assassination is an impenetrable one. Trying to look backward through a “Fifty-years-ago-ometer-o’scope” doesn’t really help either. They were made before solid state electronics and use valves you find hard to come by these days. The knobs are all made of Bakelite though, which gives them a classy retro feel.

I guess we can rule Patsy Cline out, if she really is dead.

Now we all know that there needed to be a “patsy” to take the fall for the crime. Originally it had been planned to use Patsy Cline, but her death in a plane crash seven months earlier ruled her out. Or gave her the ultimate alibi, if she isn’t really dead as some of us believe. Crazy? Yeah. That’s the song we all remember her by.

Sure there were enquiries after the shooting. We had one recently in the UK whereby we “discovered” that Iraq might actually not have WMDs. Those of you who are smart will notice there are another set of three initials. JFK. LBJ. WMDs. Do you really suppose given that set of circumstances that the planners of the assassination would have taken the chance of blowing their mission by then using a fourth set of three initials? LHO?  Any numerologist west of the Pecos worth his or her salt would have seen through that in a second.

This was a professionally executed operation. Not to mention President.

Kennedy in Dallas. (Public domain)

JFK was “Intimate” although in Clinton speak “Did not have sexual relations” with Marilyn Monroe. She dies some 15 months before the shooting. Or, goes into hiding eight months before Patsy Cline to prepare them for their next, secret post assassination lives. Elvis would come later of course, he had to wait around and keep an eye on Nixon.

All I can say with confidence is that all those people looking for an explanation of how this happened are looking in the wrong places. They are all fucked up on the “Who” question, while they ought to be looking for the “Why.”

There are only two groups of people who would profit from JFK’s death.

One of them is journalists.

Imagine. A good presidential assassination is like having five extra birthdays every year. Hey! It’s the anniversary of the day JFK was “shot.”  Hey! If JFK hadn’t been “shot” he would have been XX years old today. Likewise, LHO’s birthday and the date he met Jack Ruby – all of which are days on which any half-assed journalist – even the sober ones – can churn out a few thousand words of the literary equivalent of corned beef (re-) hash.

Yes sirreee Bob. For the last half century, sure as eggs is eggs, comes the same regular dosage of Shinola. Yep, you can set your watch by it. A line I will have said by an animatronic Walter Brennan in my film script of the entire episode and why not? He could probably get as close to the truth of the matter as anyone.

JFK’s inauguration speech was full of hope but his dreams ended tragically in Dallas Nov. 22, 1963.

Apart from journalists, who were the other people likely to “profit” by his death? Think hard. The world was a different place back then, there was no internet. You have to use your imagination instead. The military industrial muscle was content, still counting the profits they made in Korea and with Vietnam and the cold war to keep the greenbacks rolling in they had no reason to “off” the President.

Petrochemical industries – especially the Arab controlled OPEC ones had nothing like the muscle they have today and likewise no reason to wish him anything other than “Have a nice day Mr. President.” Remember, the entire USA was comfortably numb at the time of the shooting, fed as it was by the giant soporific breast of television on a diet of Dick van Dyke and Lucille Ball. Jesus. Mary Tyler Moore was only in the development stage back then, although Phyllis Diller was still strictly controlled and her appearances limited by federal order.

No, the real financial muscle lay with the international chemical companies. Pfizer, Monsanto and Glaxo Smithkline to name but three. All of which were mighty pissed off with JFK since he had a bum acid trip while balling Marilyn Monroe and decided to come down heavy on the dopers. Just when the three I mentioned had developed a whole new range of no side effect soporifics designed especially to compliment the televisual feast of entertainment I just mentioned. You got it, just like Brave New World.

Timothy Leary with John Lennon and Yoko Ono recording, Give Peace a Chance. (Photo by Roy Kerwood.)

Color TV was about to hit the markets and a nation of chemically enhanced consumers of whatever they were told to buy was a capitalist wet dream. Right up until JFK’s bum trip. He should never have listened to Timothy Leary and put that Stockhausen album on the stereo. He should have stuck with the Louis Armstrong crack-house sessions instead.

So he came down hard on the chemical companies. Ruined their entire vision of the 1960s. So they decided he had to pay and concocted the whole thing. Rounded up a whole bunch of overly paranoid acid users, some even working for the government, dropped a few hints here and there and paid a contract killing company to bump them off at odd intervals afterwards to hide the reality of the event.

JFK had hay-fever. He knew he was in for a long hot dusty ride through Texas before dinner at The Dallas Trade Mart so, just to show there were no hard feelings for his scrapping of their plans, one of the chemical companies sales representatives who had hopped a ride on Air Force One gave him one of their newest range of anti-histamines. Only it hadn’t been properly tested.

An hour or so later JFK had an especially violent sneeze and his head simply exploded.

All the rest was enacted to throw everyone off the scent and make best use of one of the early side effects of television and recreational drugs, namely, paranoia.

Of course, I cannot tell you which drug company was responsible for the drug that actually killed him. Let’s just let that remain a mystery, shall we?


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  1. diginess says:

    It’s really not that complicated. If you watch the video of the motorcycle guards being called off the presidential car, it thins the pool of suspects down considerably.

  2. Bobbikins says:

    Honor? Tsk, tsk Mr Nod – pandering to the septics and their Websterized version of English!

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