America, hurry up and invade Scotland: Will you? - Baltimore Post-ExaminerBaltimore Post-Examiner

America, hurry up and invade Scotland: Will you?

I live in Scotland. I exist in Scotland. I exist wherever I am, and could live anywhere in the world, given freedom from financial restrictions. But at present, I live in Scotland and I want America to invade as soon as is possible.

It’s not as if you have to come that far to do it. There are six US Air Force bases in England already, not to mention the ones there are in Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, Denmark, Germany, France, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Luxembourg, The Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Spain and those are only the ones in Europe.

Now it’s not that I want to encourage you to invade Scotland, Lord knows you don’t usually need much encouragement to roll out that military industrial muscle anyway, but there are certain boundaries and restrictions as to whom and when you can invade. In Europe we usually call these things good manners and taste, but for you I shall explain them slowly and clearly.

America has two “rules” governing the countries it intends to invade/liberate loosely based on where a country falls in terms of world geography. These are:

  • Where the hell is that?


  • Do they have any oil or drugs?

When these questions are asked, there are usually lots of “Aides” on hand to supply the answers. They tend to have clipboards and pens, nice suits and neat hair. In fact, in most respects they appear to be Mormons. But they aren’t. They are even more sinister.

After having established the country to be invaded/liberated has large enough resources to make the invasion/liberation worthwhile, things may now proceed to the strains of the Federally Approved Soundtrack.

“Now just a cotton pickin’ minute. Y’all caint accuse America of startin’ wars jus’ for the sake of oil and drugs! That would make the day-uths of all those soldiers a meaningless insult to them and their kinfolks, and the constitution of the good old US of A gosh darn it!”


Vietnam. Lots of drugs coming through there from the Golden Triangle up by Chang Mai.

Iran, Iraq, LOTS of oil.

Afghanistan, so much opium there we even managed to forget about how the Russians wasted a decade trying to beat the Taliban before pulling out. (In those days the Afghani’s were nobly attempting to free themselves from the Communist invaders. What are they now? I’ve forgotten.)

So anyway, Scotland. We have a lot of oil here and we lead the rest of Europe in drug abuse. Now, probably the only Scottish party you will have heard of is Hogmanay, the one that starts with folk drinking on December 31st at midnight, and continues throughout the rest of the year. But there are other, more political ones, and I am now going to give you a crash course in Scottish politics.

The British National Party is a neo-nazi organisation believing in forced repatriation for those citizens of a “non-British” origin. The SCOTTISH National Party is still surfing on the back of the wave of nationalistic fervour generated by Mel Gibson’s film, “Braveheart.”

Another thing he will have to answer to his maker for.

But the SNP are an enlightened multicultural political party governing Scotland with the aid of the £17 BILLION of subsidy they receive from the British Government each year, but who nonetheless want to be independent from England, to the extent of wanting to organise a referendum to “decide” the issue in 2014, despite not having the legal authority to do so.

They are led by Alec Salmond, a man described by Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle as, “Looking as if he has the cholesterol levels of a fried egg.”. Be that as it may, Mr Salmond would like to have access to the North Sea oil revenues currently controlled by the London Government, as they are roughly the same value as the annual subsidy Scotland enjoys from London, despite the fact that oil production over the last five years has declined by 6% annually, until 2011 when it declined by 18 percent.

It may be that Mr Salmond has some secret financial plan to find the difference between current levels of UK subsidy and declining levels of oil production. I have no reason to doubt it, after all, he has secrets a’plenty, including the date of the proposed independence referendum, whether Scotland will have to join the EU as a new member state, whether it will use the Euro or pound, whether it will keep the Queen (God Bless her) as head of state, oh and just about everything else you would care to ask about.

One thing that isn’t secret is the feeling that there is a more than a little of “the King over the water” about Salmond. In that he is “pretending” it is all about independence for Scotland, rather than thinly veiled anti-English racism on his part. Take his quote from the recent SNP conference held in Glasgow.

“The days of the London Government telling Scotland what to do are over!”

Really? As long as there are £17 million reasons coming into your country annually Mr Salmond, I would think otherwise, but it makes good rhetoric. The more observant among you may have noticed that there was no mention in that statement of Wales or Northern Ireland, the other two parts of the United Kingdom created in 1707 by the act of Union.

Nonetheless, we still have plenty of oil production (for the time being) and apart from our other drug usage we have wave upon wave of “marijuana factories” being discovered in the suburbs of Scotland. Houses usually rented by either Chinese or Vietnamese clients, who install unwitting and usually semi literate illegal immigrants to run them.

So you see we fill both of the American criteria to make us eligible for invasion/liberation. Plus we already have our own soundtrack. But the real reason you should crank up the old military industrial complex ASAP, is this. The SNP have been talking to the Canadians about it, and you can’t have your closest neighbours conspiring with the Pictish hordes now can you?

Forget about North Korea for the moment. They will implode soon enough on their own. For the time being concentrate on the maple syrup and haggis axis of the unintelligible.

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