Breakups suck

I’m pretty sure everyone has heard all the excuses.

“It’s not you; it’s me.”

“I just don’t think I’m ready to date anyone right now.”

“We’re better as friends.”

“I love you…I’m just not IN love with you.”

Breakups suck.

And they should just kill you when they happen because they suck so bad. I’ve actually been surprised when I’ve woken up the morning after a horrific breakup, thinking for sure that I was going to die in my sleep from dehydration because I was crying so hard the night before.

Everyone wants to know the “signs.”

I’m no expert, but I’ve noticed that a lack of attention and vagueness in responses about the future are the big flashing red signs. My last breakup was initiated when I asked my ex about our plans for the weekend. When he responded with, “We’ll see where the week takes us” or something equally lame, I figured I was about to get dumped. And I did. Of course, those signs don’t necessarily always mean a breakup, I’m just going off of my own personal experience.

Sometimes there aren’t any signs at all. That’s brutal. My worst breakup was one that completely blindsided me with no warning whatsoever. And when I mean blindsided, I mean, caught entirely off guard, so much so that I was in the middle of making a pork chop casserole for dinner. I was so shocked when he said the words, “I love you, I’m just not in love with you” that all I could do was laugh. It wasn’t until after I closed the door behind him that I started hyperventilating.

Occasionally you will get dumped and realize solely from the way the person handles the situation how ridiculous the relationship was in the first place. When I was 21, I was head over heels for this guy I’d been dating for about three months. He used the excuse that we “didn’t connect enough on a philosophical level.” The only sad thing about that breakup is that I didn’t realize how much of a douche he was while I was still dating him.

But my biggest pet peeve is people who are too cowardly to end a relationship in person. Whenever I’ve broken up with someone,(which has happened only about four times)  I’ve always made an effort to do it in person no matter how nervous I am that a fork will be stabbed into my face. It just shows common courtesy and respect for the other person. Guess my last ex missed that life lesson. He decided to end things through a lovely text message. My upset feelings about that breakup lasted about an hour. I actually texted him back “OK, thank you” like we were closing a business deal. If you don’t have the balls to say it to my face, you certainly don’t deserve me.

Bottom line is, try to handle your breakup – whether you are the dumper or the dumpee – with grace and dignity. Even if the guy or girl is batshit crazy, they still don’t deserve a fork in the face. We’ve all been broken up with and we’ve all broken up with people. As long as you try to remember that, you can most of the time avoid brutal violence.

P.S. Awesome and I are still together, so don’t worry, no stabbings yet.

Emily Campbell

Emily Little (nee Campbell) was a perpetually single girl who recently met and married her Mr. Right. Her blog, Dating Emily, has been a two-year diary of her adventures in relationships. Her life of bar-hopping and casual dating has turned into one of dog-walking, craft-making and budgeting for eventual home ownership. But just because she can make a mean casserole doesn’t mean her adventures are over. As she prepares to become a first-time homeowner and eventually, a mom, she is discovering that the adventure may just be beginning.