Bob Geldof and I have one thing in common - Baltimore Post-ExaminerBaltimore Post-Examiner

Bob Geldof and I have one thing in common

It is the hatred of Mondays. Well, not exactly. It’s more of a feeling of a need to write about hatred of Mondays. The calendar equivalent of being stung on the end of your prick (should you be the proud owner of one) by a bee. For fuller details on how to react in this situation see J.P. Donleavy’s excellent work, “The Unexpurgated Code.”

Bob Geldof sang about his disdain for Mondays in “I don’t like Mondays.” Can you relate? (Wikipedia Commons)

I will admit that it is all about prejudice. Compared to the sport fuelled frenzy that is Saturday and the food, film, fun and frolic filled festival (interspersed with appropriate amounts of napping) that is Sunday, Monday is indeed a poor relation. Back to work we go. Having had no post on Sunday, Monday brings the arrival of more bills, circulars and other junk mail. Worst of all we fold up and put away our more playful personalities and don our freshly ironed work ones once again.

There is also evidence of some bizarre type of “news laxative” in operation. From the gentle levels of Sunday publications where one can enjoy – almost as much as the actual publication – the throwing away of the sections of it deemed to be irrelevant to ones tastes or lifestyle. Sometime on Sunday night after I wend my way up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire, the news laxative is ingested somewhere and Monday sees a newly cleared colon through which the usual rate of “journalism” can now pass.

Take this Monday’s offerings. Due to the higher than average levels of rainfall we have “enjoyed” here in Britain this summer, things are now looking bad for birds, bees, bugs and bats. Things for snails however, are looking up. Along with, of course, their respective predators, which might very well mean an invasion of Frenchmen and women in the near future?

What’s going on here with Mark Twain’s greatest book? Does that mean everyone has to give their original Huckleberry Finn book back? (Wikipedia Commons)

Enough to depress anyone.

Somewhere in the news I am also “informed” there is now in print a new version of Mark Twain’s timeless classic, Huckleberry Finn, only this time it has been “edited” to remove the “N” word. I can only assume this “N” word can only be “Nixon,” although I am fairly certain they were not contemporaries. This news depresses me, as it obviously means the guilt laden middle classes are now finding their resources so stretched they are having to ration their efforts and direct their tedious energies only in certain directions.

I think of pictures from former Soviet Russia where images of Trotsky were removed from those parades and event where Stalin was also present and sigh that it seems no lessons have been learned. I wonder also has anyone taken the time to inform Richard Pryor (through a medium?) Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock that this “N” word is no longer acceptable in white middle class liberal society? How about NWA? Any of y’all been to Compton to tell the brothers the news?

I doubt it.

Will they tell Yoko to edit John Lennon’s song: Women is the nigger of the world? (Wikipedia Commons)

What’s more, I cannot see the band changing its name to “Socio-economically and educationally disadvantaged, politically under-represented African Americans with Attitude” any time soon. Well done the college educated white middle classed petit bourgeoisie for another dumbassed victory. I wonder what the reaction of Yoko Ono will be when they come gunning for her as executor of John Lennon’s estate to change the name of his song, “Woman is the nigger of the world.”

I hope she spends a shitload of money on hiring Ninjas to deal with them all.

In other, slightly lighter (although not in any way a reference to colour) today, at precisely 11 a.m., the results of the 2011 national census will be published, and we shall finally know how many people consider their religion to be “Jedi” in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Scotland you see has its own census, taken at the same time as that of the rest of Britain, but for some reason processed more slowly as the results are expected in November.

Already, in the 1991 census results, it was revealed that enough people in three-fourths of Britain had marked down their religion as being that of Jedi Knight for them to now be considered a serious religious grouping. Now I don’t have all the figures to hand to know, for example, how many Baptists or Methodists there are by comparison in order to be able to assess a likely outcome should they ever find themselves in battle one against the other, but I do know that the Jedi membership has a broad church of membership, and is not even debating the issue of gay marriage or the ordination of female grand masters, as they do not see either as serious disturbances in the force.

The Church of England’s Canterbury Cathedral: West Front, Nave and Central Tower.  This should be the church of Jedi’s since majority of us are Jedi’s. (Wikipedia Commons)

Of course in Britain the bearded buffoons who run the Church of England are still torn over both issues seemingly unaware of how ridiculous they seem to the rest of us Jedi’s. Take either of their arguments against gay marriage and or ordination of women as Bishops. They are forms of discrimination pure and simple. Take their arguments back a stage and if they were to ask, “Should gays or women even be allowed to worship?” then there would be more churches burning in Britain that abortion clinics in Alabama. This might make an interesting motif for the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games (groan).

Yes, this long awaited (really?) “Spectacle” is finally here, so we are told, as the first athletes are now arriving in Britain. Being first, one wonders if they will win medals for their swift arrival and punctuality. Of course, we are taking every precaution to ensure these games will not be marred by any terrorist outrage, which is why steps are even now being taken to arrest every citizen of Great Britain who has forgotten to delete the Al Jazeera news channel from their satellite dish. It’s the only way we can be sure, apart from actually having the entire behind closed doors, filmed by remote controlled robots in front of cheering animatronic crowds of replacement spectators. It would probably have been cheaper and caused less fuss to do it that way.

In other news, an ideal world – identical to Earth – has been discovered in orbit around a distant star, where it appears Christ did reappear at the end of the second millennium and where, in the intervening 12 years, miraculous things have occurred. You see, he brought Buddha and Vishnu along with him, plus a letter from their Father, who lives in Heaven, Harold I believe his name is, informing all world leaders claiming to govern in his name, that they in fact, didn’t.

They have informed the Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Seventh day Adventists, Baptists Huguenots et al that they are all in fact, wrong, and issued explanatory leaflets to them all, which they have accepted without question.

Those boys have been having lots of fun since then. They have told the Amish, Hassidim, Sikhs and Muslims to get a good shave and haircut, and given them each two bits to pay for it. They have brought with them many medical cures, those for cancer and vegetarian self-righteousness being chief amongst them. They have confirmed homosexuality as a legitimate lifestyle choice whilst confirming that a professed liking for show tunes and moustaches is simply being silly. Defence budgets have been redirected into healthcare, and the search for the Higgs Boson particle reclassified as “unimportant compared to the struggle for enlightenment and world harmony.

Satellite and cable TV is now free. They have healed the sick, cured the lame, caused limbs to re-grow and freed from suffering those previously afflicted by mental anguish and torment of all kinds, whilst confirming that there is a hell to which all thieves, murderers, paedophiles, rapists, capitalists and bankers will not now be sent, due to their being forgiven.

Formerly racist inhabitants of South Africa and the southern American states have had their DNA altered to a 50 oercent white European and 50% black African mix. Esperanto has been installed as the world language by the simple process of opening people’s minds and kick starting the 90% of unused brain capacity. Everyone is now completely ambidextrous. Inequalities in pay based on gender or ethnicity have been corrected and backdated until the beginning of time.

Teenagers now get out of bed early each morning, eat sitting up at the table with their parents, turning off their mobile phone and music playing devises while they do so. The laws of gravity, motion and thermodynamics have been suspended to allow carbon free transportation. Everyone now understands algebra and alcohol is now hangover free.

Unfortunately, this news didn’t make the front pages of any of our Monday morning newspapers, as it was thought counter-productive to the general mood of paranoid obsession with achievement our governments have striven to burden us with.

Still, maybe next Monday, eh?


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